Last week there was a major decision to make with my husband that was plopped in our laps at the last minute.  I am not a last minute person.  I have to pray and have a sense of peace.  Discomfort about a decision gets the best of me because I’m unable to sleep.  It’s as though God is saying, “Wake up, I’ll help you work this through.  I don’t sleep, so neither shall you.”

As a couple, we sometimes use a decision making process similar to a stoplight.  We don’t move forward unless we both feel we can go through the green light together.  If one of us feels like a yellow, we proceed with caution before a final decision gets made.  If one of us feels like a red, then things come to a screeching stop.

While driving home, I expressed my discomfort to my husband.  I said, “I need to pray this through tonight or tomorrow morning, then I’ll be alright.”  He listened, said it was okay, and he understood.  As we tucked ourselves into bed, I gave him a bunch of kisses.  He paused for a moment and said, “Just so you know, I was thinking the same thing.  We need to pray this through.”

Sleep was intermittent Wednesday night.  I would try sleeping for awhile, except I felt as though I was being tossed around in my clothes dryer with a pair of tennis shoes.  I finally came to my desk, wrote out my thoughts and prayers, and asked God for nougats of wisdom. If this is good, give me peace.  If it’s not, then keep my heart restless.

At 3:30 am, I was still feeling that a yellow light was flashing in front of me (proceed with caution), and I could no longer keep my eyes open.  I needed sleep and hoped the morning would bring a fresh perspective.  As I crawled back into bed, my husband was processing his decision in his sleep.  It seems as though he rides his bicycle through an obstacle course with legs moving and arms flailing, bracing for a fall.  I was close to deep sleep when he smacked my hand - not intentionally. He swears he does this while dreaming.

Exhausted, I dragged myself out of bed at 7:00am, and prayed some more at my desk.  Finally, I felt I had a green light in front of me.  I was no longer restless.  I knew I could live with this decision, and God was a part of it.  We wouldn’t be moving ahead blindly. My husband walked into the office, asked how I was feeling about things, and announced he had a sense of peace too.  Green light. 

He made a phone call. 

We made it through another major decision…together.

A friend recently sent me a clip from a show that ran from the 1950’s through the 1970’s called the Honeymooners.  It starred Jackie Gleason and Sheila MacRae who played the characters of Ralph and Alice Kramden, a couple living in Brooklyn, NewYork in a small apartment, trying to make ends meet.

I watched an episode on YouTube the other night, and laughed out loud at the interaction of this couple.  Whenever Ralph would become extremely frustrated with Alice, he would say, “To the moon, Alice, to the moon!”  Classic comedy, but a very interesting and raw truthful picture of what marriage can be like at times.

I’ve had moments in my marriage where I wished I could send my husband straight to the moon with a one-way ticket.  I could wave at him on very clear nights through a telescope in my backyard.  When I reflected on my desire to send him on a moonwalk, often it was due to sheer frustration when he wasn’t seeing things my way, or when I refused to look at things from his perspective.

One of the silliest disagreements we ever had was over the correct way to clean a toilet.  My husband calls it, ‘the bucket method’.  One simply gets a small bucket filled with water, dumps it in the toilet, and the water miraculously disappears.  By using this cleaning method, the toilet is completely cleaned below the water line.  I looked at my husband and said, “Are you serious?”  He said, “Of course, this is the ONLY way to clean a toilet.”  My reply was, “Since you do such a wonderful job honey, I’m sure you would be happy to make this your weekly chore.”  He hired a housekeeper two months later.

To-the-moon moments in marriage usually are the result of a spouse who doesn’t agree with your way of doing things.  After all, your way is the right way.  How can you possibly be wrong?  There might be alternative solutions to completing a household task or making a major decision.  However, we become focused on only one possible outcome - ours.

Before a decision is made to build a lunar landing module in the backyard for your spouse, a few moments of self-reflection might be beneficial.  Your spouse may have some great ideas, if you’re willing to listen.

The weather in Chicago has been beautiful as Fall approaches.  I love the colors this time of the year with the pops of bright yellow, orange, and red dotting the landscape.  And, more than anything, I love the smell of burning leaves, hay rides, and apple cider.

When our daughters were young, I would take them on mother/daughter camping weekends in the Fall.   We have quite a few harrowing stories of escape from wild animals.  The most dramatic story is the one where white rapids were whirling through the middle of the campground nearly washing our tent and all belongings away in the aftermath of a downpour.

Recently, I was sharing these memories with my husband with the hope that I might inspire him to go camping with me.  Last Sunday after church, he said, “Why don’t we stop at Cabela’s and have a look around?”   Mind you, I still have all of our original camping gear, and I’m thinking a really cheap fun weekend.  I did not want to discourage him.

Cabelas’ is a manly store.  One can’t help but walk down the aisles and grunt several times.  I’ve never seen so many fishing poles, lures, and flies in all my life.  Add hunting rifles, camouflage, and deer urine, and you have a weekend of sheer manly delight.  However, my dear husband cringed when he saw a video in the store of a woman shooting a deer with a bow and arrow.  He has a soft spot for animals and feeds our resident chipmunk in the backyard.

As we were standing by the camping gear, I whispered, “Honey, what’s better than zippering two sleeping bags together and snuggling?”  His response, “A nice warm snuggle in our bed at home.”    I reminded him, “We have an air mattress to make the tent more comfortable, and I’m willing to slave over the Coleman stove to make you chili and cornbread for dinner, and eggs and pancakes in the morning!”

We left Cabela’s with a bag of maple nut goodies.

I’m still waiting for a response to my romantic weekend camping idea.

Part of marriage includes taking care of each other’s parents.   Ten years ago it was my husband’s turn to help me through the illness of my mother and her subsequent death.  This year has been my turn to help my husband.

The past thirty days have been a whirlwind of emotional and physical stress, as we’ve been dealing with the serious illness of my mother-in-law.  My husband spent two weeks away from home taking care of his mom, and readily admits to not having a nurturing/caring/nursing bone in his body.  During an evening conversation with me, he asked, “How do women do this so naturally? I’m grateful I have you to help me.”

We spent Labor Day weekend doing a bedroom makeover for mom to make sure she would be in the cleanest, allergen-free environment that would keep her COPD in check.    This meant tearing up carpet, washing and painting walls, and cleaning closets.   Sore muscles and exhaustion settled in by Monday, as we were encouraging each other toward completing a room that was “almost” done.  We did a reveal, and mom was thrilled with her new room.  I’m praying it will provide clean breathing comfort for a time, and we can find a sense of peace with her continuing to live seven hours away.

My husband has two brothers and no sisters.  Getting them to think like women when it comes to the care of their mother is foreign territory.  Simple things such as asking her if she needs her toenails and fingernails cut, a haircut, women’s toiletries or other personal items - these words and descriptions are not in a man’s mental or visual vocabulary. 

There are other things I observe as a woman.  I notice when mom is short of breath, exhausted, and experiencing other physical symptoms.  I notice when she leaves her evening medication on the table and forgets to take it.  I notice a marked difference in her short-term memory. 

I need to be my husband’s second set of eyes and ears, and provide patience and guidance as he deals with his mother’s illness.  We are on a very difficult road together.  However, I am willing to do what it takes to make his mother feel comfortable and loved - even if it means living with us in the future.

It’s my turn to walk the path of unconditionally loving my husband and his mother. 

I know it’s what God wants me to do.

I came across this excellent blog post (so take a read first), then come back here.

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2009/08/605-having-doesnt-count-list.html

The DLC (Doesn’t Count List) really makes you think, doesn’t it?

Have you thought about the Doesn’t Count List when it comes to your marriage?

• It doesn’t count if I look a little longer than I should at someone other than my spouse
• It doesn’t count if I talk, joke, or smile with a co-worker of the opposite sex
• It doesn’t count if I share secrets or intimate details with someone that I don’t share with my spouse
• It doesn’t count if I chat with another male or female online
• It doesn’t count if I forget to schedule a date night, my spouse will forgive me
• It doesn’t count if I’m working hard for the family and miss dinner a few nights a week
• It doesn’t count if I use a few cruel words, since my spouse spewed a few at me
• It doesn’t count when I spend a little extra money on myself - I deserve it
• It doesn’t count if I go out for a meal with someone from the office of the opposite sex - alone
• It doesn’t count when I stay up late at night on the computer and view things that are pleasurable to me, since my spouse isn’t providing the amount of sex I need.

I don’t know exactly when this started, but I find myself nudging my husband several times throughout the night to stop his snoring.  It starts out as a low rumbling growl and by 2:00 a.m., it’s a runaway train going full steam ahead.

My poor husband has endured nasal surgery, a sleep apnea test, a wheat-free diet, nose strips, nose spray, a room steam machine, and throat spray.  I’ve worn ear plugs, but find none to be very comfortable.  Sleeping in another room is not a good marriage choice for maintaining intimacy.  However, I’ve considered intravenous coffee drips to get myself going in the morning.

The past twelve nights I have spent alone because my husband has been in Kentucky taking care of his mother.  The first two nights he was away, I fell asleep and didn’t move an inch the entire night - not even to pee.  The next four nights, I couldn’t fall asleep until I was exhausted at 1:00am.    I never thought I would say this…for the past five nights, I’ve missed his snoring. 

When he is home tomorrow night and snoring away, I will smile, nuzzle a little closer, and fall asleep to the sound I’ve missed for the past several nights. I am grateful he will be coming home to me.  There will be a day, when I’ll wish, I could hear my husband snoring - one more time.

One of the unfortunate truths of marriage is, there will come a time when the words ”I don’t love you anymore” enter our thoughts and are openly spoken to our spouse. There’s a great story that appeared in the New York Times on the steps a woman took when her husband told her these exact words.

Be sure to read both pages to the article.

It seems that the extra mental stimulation and social challenges we provide each other in marriage are beneficial.  Who knew there was something brain stimulating about a good old fashioned disagreement?

Results of a study of 1400 people from Finland, reported in the British Medical Journal, found individuals at greatest risk for Alzheimer’s disease are those who were widowed or divorced in middle age.  This article appeared in Sunday’s Parade Magazine in the Chicago Tribune.

There was a very encouraging post Wednesday, August 5, 2009 about my husband on Mitch Temple’s (Focus on the Family) blog.

http://mitchtemple.ning.com/profiles/blogs/marriage-its-not-just-a

There was a great press conference held last week with rising Florida Gator’s Quarterback Tim Tebow where he was asked the question, “Are you saving yourself for marriage?”  His response was, “Yes, I am.”  This left the reporter stumbling over his words.  A moment of silence spread over the news conference followed by uncomfortable laughter.

The reporters obviously didn’t know how to respond to a young man who believes sex is meant solely for marriage.  I’m sure most of the reporters thought he was from another planet.  Or, were completely dumbfounded that such a creature still walks the face of the earth.

This press conference clearly cemented the ambivalent feelings the media and popular culture have for virgins and virginity.  I wonder what the level of ostracism would have been from colleagues if another reporter in the room stood up and said, “Way to go Tim, that’s an honorable thing to do. Keep following God’s design for your future.” 

A couple of years ago, cities across the country had billboards up that said, “Virgin - Teach Your Kids It’s Not A Dirty Word.”   This young man’s parents obviously taught this lesson well.  I’m praying that Tim Tebow continues to speak openly about his virginity and confirms what studies have shown for years.

• Sex is well worth waiting for
• Sex is better in marriage
• Sex is better with couples who have a spiritual connection

In his infinite wisdom, God has a very well laid out plan for purity.  He wants each of us to experience it with our mind, our heart, our eyes, and our body - before marriage and after.

• 1 Corinthians 6:20 - Honor God with your body.
• 1 Peter 1:14-15 - Live in obedience - don’t live to satisfy your own desires. Be holy in all your manner and conduct of living
• 1 John 3:2-3 - It’s important to keep our eyes focused on resembling Christ. For he is pure - we are to keep ourselves pure.
• Matthew 7:21, 3:8 - What is required is serious, not casual obedience.  Do not use people to make you feel loved or important. Don’t do what is the popular thing to do.  Let your life reflect what is in your heart.
• Deuteronomy 6:24 - God has given us guidelines that are designed to preserve and bless our lives.
• 1 Peter 2:9 - You are chosen and deeply loved by God.  You can speak out about God’s goodness and the difference he has made in your life - from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.
• Romans 1:19 - Ignoring God eventually leads to a downward spiral - a place that lacks hope and is filled with desperation. Deep down, people know the truth about God, he has made it obvious.
• 2 Timothy 2:20-22 - If you keep yourself pure, you will be used by God for honorable and noble purposes. Run away from the evil things that young people long for. Try hard to do what is right.
• Hebrews 12:14 - Are you so hungry for something that you will do ANYTHING to get that desire satisfied?   Some of you are there right now; ready to sell your future for something that is so insignificant right now.