One thing the Driscoll’s do well throughout the book is share with honesty, the difficulties in their marriage.  In particular, how they worked through forgiveness and built a marriage based on friendship.  A quote from the book about friendship struck a cord, “Friendship is costly in everything – time, energy, emotion, and sometimes money.”  I wholeheartedly agree on many levels.  Friendship is an investment many make while dating and fail to follow through with sustained effort after marriage.

In addition, Mark speaks with frankness about the unappealing qualities in husbands who refuse to find balance between tender and tough, and avoid the work necessary to become a man who resembles Jesus.  Yet, Mark provides encouragement to men with regard to the changes he made in order to become the father and husband God wants him to be.

Grace’s section to women is good, but not great, on the topic of respect.  I found this portion of the book disappointing.  In tandem to Mark, I felt she should have described the unappealing qualities in wives and provided guidance for change. While I am not in disagreement with what Grace had to say about the respect a husband needs and a wife should give, this is the one area of the book where I felt I was re-reading Emerson Eggerich’s book Love and Respect.

Real Marriage covers marital sex in detail in a chapter called  Can We____? and does an excellent job of bringing spiritual and sexual selfishness into focus.  I like how the Driscoll’s break down ways we are selfish lovers and reasons why we are selfish lovers.  What’s more, they added an extraordinary section on what couples may do in the bedroom and whether certain sexual acts are lawful, helpful, or enslaving.  This section is filled with oodles of wisdom.

Finally, the issue of reverse-engineering your life and marriage is covered with excellence at the end of the book.  Pages 214-220 provide a myriad of questions for a couple to work through, which provides guidance and wisdom toward building a life and marriage that is balanced and God-focused.  Whether a couple is engaged or married, there is much to learn about each other through this section of the book.

I read scores of marriage related books throughout the year and I am often disappointed because marriage material is  regurgitated from one author to another.  The Driscoll’s found a way to come up with relatively fresh material I thoroughly enjoyed.

Read the article on Growthtrac . . .

As an introduction to the state of marriage in the new year, I came across an intriguing article in the January 2011 issue of Psychology Today by Rebecca Webber entitled  Are You with the Right Mate? 

A few of my favorite quotes include:

“We’re all difficult. Everyone who is married is a difficult spouse. We emphasize that our spouse is difficult and forget we’re difficult for them.”

“There comes a moment in all relationships when you lie in bed, roll over, look at the person next to you and think it’s all a dreadful mistake.  It’s not a sign that you’ve chosen the wrong partner.  It is the signal to grow as an individual – to take responsibility for your own frustrations.”

In mature love, says Meinecke, “We do not look to our partner to provide our happiness, and we don’t blame them for our unhappiness.  We take responsibility for the expectations that we carry, for our own negative emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark mood.”

Lastly, I find this statement so distinct and right on the mark –

“Marriage is not about finding the right person.  It’s about becoming the right person.”

As a Christian, I do not agree with all content within the piece by Psychology Today.  Nevertheless, in speaking with friends, family and church members, it is important to understand what is occurring in marriages within our society and hopefully influence them in a more Godly direction.  According to the article, the culture we live in tells us, “we should not settle for anything that is not ideal for us. ” Unfortunately, Christian marriages continue to fall into the trap of conforming to the ways of this world, rather than the renewing of the mind (Romans 12:2).

I pray each day for marriages with the hope they will stand firm through the difficulties and walk a different path – one that reinforces commitment even when circumstances are less than ideal.

The truth is, there is no immunity from sexual sin.

New Christian, older Christian.  Lukewarm Christian, on fire Christian.  Growing Christian, barely moving Christian.  Sexual sin can happen to anyone.

No one is immune.

There are always yellow flags tossed our way, like an official does in a football game.  Subtle nudges provided by the Holy Spirit lets us know when we are walking down the wrong path.  We have a choice, put up a protective net  and move away from a dangerous situation.  Sometimes, not only are the yellow flags hurling our way, but so are red ones, and every other color of the rainbow trying to get our attention.

Remember… when you think you are safe, you’re not.

Ask yourself the following  -

• Do I feel closer to my spouse today than yesterday?
• Do I think about someone of the opposite sex more often than my spouse?
• Do I share lunches or dinners with someone of the opposite sex?
• Do I have meetings by myself with someone of the opposite sex?
• Do I flirt with someone who is not my spouse?
• Do I extend touches on the hand, arm, or shoulder to someone of the opposite sex, or allow them to touch me?

Deception… is always subtle.

So how does a marriage move from uninspired to inspired?

• Change one thing in your daily marriage routine
• Take the time to talk about being stuck without placing blame on your spouse
• Sit down together and make a list of 10 things each of you would like to do for fun

If you’re drawing a blank and require further inspiration, here are a few suggestions:

• Take a daily walk together
• Check in with each other no less than 4 times a day through a phone call, email, or text message
• Purchase or build a firepot for the backyard
• Take a class together – foreign language, cooking, art, or a do-it-yourself at Home Depot
• Visit art fairs, flea markets, auctions, farmer’s markets, motorcycle and drag car races, and perhaps a baseball or basketball game.  Remember, this week she picks the adventure and next week he picks the adventure. 
• Spending a evening at your local bookstore sharing the stories/articles you are reading
• Pick out a new recipe with an international flair and prepare a meal together
• Go to an outdoor concert and pack a picnic with a number of favorite goodies
• Rent dance videos and take dance classes at home.  Or better yet, take dance classes outside the home.
• Volunteer together
• Pray together – ask God for inspiration

I will be praying for the Gore’s marriage.  Also, I pray that they will reconsider and work on receiving wise counsel. It’s never too late to make changes, never too late to start again, and never too late to come together with reconciliation and healing.  Afterall, there is the legacy of their family to consider. 

I, take you, to be my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

The words in the paragraph above are spoken once, and perhaps repeated at a twenty-fifth anniversary.  Promises are best remembered when spoken every day.  However, through the pain and hurt that can occur in marriage, the lenses of the eye become blurry to where one no longer sees a spouse as the love of their life, but as the enemy.   Old wounds resurface, tensions and arguments start to boil over with anger, battle lines are drawn, and weapons are unleashed in order to strike back.  The more pain that can be inflicted the better.  After all, the ultimate strategy of war is to wound the enemy, not to love and cherish them.

However, there is another way to win the war and maintain our promises – Jesus lays out the plan.

Luke 6:27-28 (NIV), “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you”. 

He meant everyone in our lives, including the people who live inside the walls of our home.  Jesus uses challenging words of engagement in Luke that requires implementation.

• love your enemies
• do good to those who hate you.
• speak well of
• pray for, intercede for

Jesus did not come to make us comfortable Christians; he came to make us radically courageous.  He pushes us to do things that are fundamentally different than what the world teaches.  Kindness and love toward an enemy are unheard of.

In marriage, there is no battle worth winning.  Surrender to a loving and giving God by both partners is required.  There are times when you will be the one that God asks to raise the white flag.  And when that happens, it doesn’t mean the battle gets set aside to reenact another day.  It means the battle is over, never to happen again… to be forgiven, the blood washed away, and the wounds healed. 

Take the time to prominently display your marriage vows where you will see them everyday. They will provide a great reminder that you do not live with an enemy, but the love of your life.

]]> http://www.sherimueller.com/2010/05/22/love-your-enemy/feed/ 2 http://www.sherimueller.com/2010/03/20/a-love-story/ http://www.sherimueller.com/2010/03/20/a-love-story/#comments Sat, 20 Mar 2010 13:20:21 +0000 sheri http://www.sherimueller.com/?p=151 Whenever I am in a public place, I like to watch how couples interact.  I watch for genuine affection,  attentiveness, conversation, touch, and respect.  There is a lot that can be learned about a relationship through observation.  One can quickly assess if a couple has had a good day together, a fair day,  a horrible day, or if there has been a  pattern of destruction for quite some time.

I’m sure their story did not start out this way.  That first attraction and spark, the smile that melted the heart or made it leap with joy, the long nightly phone calls, and the moments counted until you could see each other again.  There was the day you became engaged and excitedly told everyone how happy you were.  Finally, the wedding day came and all the blessings and wonder of the day and the hope for the future, and the promises that would be kept for a lifetime.  Sweet promises.

The happiness factor lasts for awhile, and you still hang on to every word that your spouse needs to express.   At some point in the journey of marriage, there may be an unexpected surprise when the light switch turns from “on” to “off”.   The light has faded into darkness.

The story has not ended, yet.  There is an opportunity to search for the candles and matches and find that one little flicker.  It’s faintly there… the love has not faded.  If you hold your breath, you can feel it inside.  A gentle loving hand gently squeezing the heart, trying to keep it alive.

This was my story.

There was a time when I believed the light had gone out.   However, there was a new love story that was about to begin.  The story of Christ’s love for me and his persistent gentle squeezes that kept my heart beating.  He wouldn’t let it fade into nothingness.  And out of what I thought was a lifeless dark place, he kept the light on ever so slightly.  That little tiny sliver of light is what kept me from ending my love story.

It is a lie that the Evil One feeds us that our love story has died.  He tries to cover that small sliver of light with his darkness.  However, I am proof that one little flicker can change into a love that has lasted for over thirty years.  And to think… I once thought it had died. 

My love story continues.