From time-to-time, in every marriage, there are periods where inspiration to connect, have fun, and try new things has vanished.  The energy to move forward simply isn’t there, and a lackluster attitude permeates the heart of the marriage.   Everyday activities and weekend plans are vanilla flavored instead of chocolate inspired with bits of toffee or peanut butter and fudge swirls. 

So how does a marriage move from uninspired to inspired?

• Change one thing in your daily marriage routine
• Take the time to talk about being stuck without placing blame on your spouse
• Sit down together and make a list of 10 things each of you would like to do for fun

If you’re drawing a blank and require further inspiration, here are a few suggestions:

• Take a daily walk together
• Check in with each other no less than 4 times a day through a phone call, email, or text message
• Purchase or build a firepot for the backyard
• Take a class together – foreign language, cooking, art, or a do-it-yourself at Home Depot
• Visit art fairs, flea markets, auctions, farmer’s markets, motorcycle and drag car races, and perhaps a baseball or basketball game.  Remember, this week she picks the adventure and next week he picks the adventure. 
• Spending a evening at your local bookstore sharing the stories/articles you are reading
• Pick out a new recipe with an international flair and prepare a meal together
• Go to an outdoor concert and pack a picnic with a number of favorite goodies
• Rent dance videos and take dance classes at home.  Or better yet, take dance classes outside the home.
• Volunteer together
• Pray together – ask God for inspiration

Money issues will be a source of arguments in almost every marriage.  Money is often what we value for security, it’s what we survive on, and it has many emotional responses behind it.  There was a great article in the Chicago Tribune on June 12, 2010 that you can read here.   While I am not a proponent of prenup agreements, the rest of the article offers some solid advice.

Whenever I am in a public place, I like to watch how couples interact.  I watch for genuine affection,  attentiveness, conversation, touch, and respect.  There is a lot that can be learned about a relationship through observation.  One can quickly assess if a couple has had a good day together, a fair day,  a horrible day, or if there has been a  pattern of destruction for quite some time.

I’m sure their story did not start out this way.  That first attraction and spark, the smile that melted the heart or made it leap with joy, the long nightly phone calls, and the moments counted until you could see each other again.  There was the day you became engaged and excitedly told everyone how happy you were.  Finally, the wedding day came and all the blessings and wonder of the day and the hope for the future, and the promises that would be kept for a lifetime.  Sweet promises.

The happiness factor lasts for awhile, and you still hang on to every word that your spouse needs to express.   At some point in the journey of marriage, there may be an unexpected surprise when the light switch turns from “on” to “off”.   The light has faded into darkness.

The story has not ended, yet.  There is an opportunity to search for the candles and matches and find that one little flicker.  It’s faintly there… the love has not faded.  If you hold your breath, you can feel it inside.  A gentle loving hand gently squeezing the heart, trying to keep it alive.

This was my story.

There was a time when I believed the light had gone out.   However, there was a new love story that was about to begin.  The story of Christ’s love for me and his persistent gentle squeezes that kept my heart beating.  He wouldn’t let it fade into nothingness.  And out of what I thought was a lifeless dark place, he kept the light on ever so slightly.  That little tiny sliver of light is what kept me from ending my love story.

It is a lie that the Evil One feeds us that our love story has died.  He tries to cover that small sliver of light with his darkness.  However, I am proof that one little flicker can change into a love that has lasted for over thirty years.  And to think… I once thought it had died. 

My love story continues.

On an average day, I receive 100-150 spam e-mails about my love life and my need to wear *BLING *  while enjoying romance with my husband.  The other day after deleting another barrage to my spam folder, I turned to my husband and said, “Honey, did you know we need so much help with things in the bedroom?”  He started laughing.  And so began our warped sense of humor journey through saving some of the funnier suggestions for spicing up our love life.  I have taken great care to tastefully edit the material.

According to popular societal thinking -

It’s time to vitaminize your desire to help you prepare for action all night long and become her Drillosaur.  For frequent “getting busy”, she’s to wear nothing but her BLING. This will help you become an artist of love, because your performance in bed defines you.  You are guaranteed to experience love extreme.

Navigating the bedroom for Christian couples is difficult enough without sorting through the distorted messages that are sent via the internet and through mainstream media.  After 900 spam e-mails this week, a very clear picture emerged - it’s all about my needs and what I deserve. God’s love through the act of sacrifice and giving is entirely removed from the bedroom. 

There is an amazing richness and beauty within scripture that provides an incomparable set of instructions on intimacy in the bedroom.  Unfortunately, few couples pick up The Bible and read it together.  God’s design for sex is pure, good, wonderful, and perfect.  He thought sex was so important that he set aside an entire book fully devoted to it called Song of Songs.

This world sure knows how to mess up a beautiful thing.

I came across this excellent blog post (so take a read first), then come back here.

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2009/08/605-having-doesnt-count-list.html

The DLC (Doesn’t Count List) really makes you think, doesn’t it?

Have you thought about the Doesn’t Count List when it comes to your marriage?

• It doesn’t count if I look a little longer than I should at someone other than my spouse
• It doesn’t count if I talk, joke, or smile with a co-worker of the opposite sex
• It doesn’t count if I share secrets or intimate details with someone that I don’t share with my spouse
• It doesn’t count if I chat with another male or female online
• It doesn’t count if I forget to schedule a date night, my spouse will forgive me
• It doesn’t count if I’m working hard for the family and miss dinner a few nights a week
• It doesn’t count if I use a few cruel words, since my spouse spewed a few at me
• It doesn’t count when I spend a little extra money on myself - I deserve it
• It doesn’t count if I go out for a meal with someone from the office of the opposite sex - alone
• It doesn’t count when I stay up late at night on the computer and view things that are pleasurable to me, since my spouse isn’t providing the amount of sex I need.

This week I was going through old frames I had stashed away.  As I turned a frame over to wipe off the years of dust, I opened the back and discovered a hidden picture of my husband at the age of 17.  He had long thick black hair, large framed glasses that covered half his face, was wearing a brightly colored silk shirt with several top buttons opened to expose whatever chest hair he had, and a lazy sexy smile. This is the year I fell in love with him.

On the radio yesterday, I heard a statistic that said the average woman kisses 79 men before she finds the one she marries.  My first reaction was surprise as I thought back to the number of young men I kissed before I found my true love - it was 3!  As I looked at the picture of my husband at the age of 17, I realized my heart still skips a beat for the 3rd man I ever kissed.  I’m grateful it didn’t take me 79 men to figure this out and that God has given me 33 years of marriage to this man.

Several years ago we were at a restaurant for our anniversary.  The young man seating us asked if we were there for a special occasion. We responded with, “Yes, we’re here for our 27th anniversary!”  The young man said, “Man, that’s longer than when I was born.  I just turned 26.”  My husband and I were ready to crawl under the table. We decided we would respond with, “a long, long time,” in the future.

Our position on sharing the years we have been married has changed as we approach our 33rd wedding anniversary this month.  We now do so with a smile and sense of pride.   One uplifting positive response recently received was, “You don’t look old enough to be married that long.”  The most common reaction is one of shock, rather than a smile and pat on the back for a job well done.  Seldom do we hear, “Congratulations, what’s your secret?”   It’s quite entertaining and a fascinating commentary on how people really feel about marriage.

Proudly announce the number of years you have been married.  It’s an accomplishment and something to be very proud of.  And, if asked, be willing to share the secret to your marital success.  My husband and I have become quite bold by saying, “Jesus Christ is at the center of our marriage.” 

Anticipate a speechless reaction.

Millions of people will be celebrating Easter around the world this Sunday.  Easter egg hunts will abound. Deviled eggs will follow along with ham, potatoes and green bean casserole.  Children will be looking for their Easter baskets filled with sweet treats and extra special gifts.  New dresses and shoes, ties and shirts get worn to present our best foot forward at church.

Something seems to get lost in the middle of Easter hustle and bustle and preparation for visiting family and friends.

REMEMBRANCE and THANKFULNESS

Take a moment this weekend to remember by reading the Easter story starting with Mark 11:1-11 and Jesus’ triumphant entry, the Last Supper in Mark 14:12-26, and the crucifixion, death and burial of Jesus in Mark 15:21-47.  Finally, rejoice in Jesus’ resurrection in Mark 16.

Remember the sacrifice of the cross and a Savior who died for you.  He loves you more than you know, and longs to be in relationship with you.  Easter is a time of renewal, reflection and thankfulness.  Somehow, bunnies and jellybeans don’t seem adequate.

Wishing you and your family a blessed Easter and time for remembrance.

The Chicago Tribune had a special marriage section this past Sunday that featured Growthtrac Ministries, and the happy face of yours truly and my loving husband, Jim. While there were a few misquotes, overall we are very happy with the outcome of the article.

You can read the full article here along with further information on God’s design for mentoring.  Of course, mentoring is extremely beneficial prior to marriage, but a mentor couple can be a great resource after marriage for the necessary tune-ups we all need from time-to-time.