The airwaves and internet have been heating up with the recent announcement regarding the marriage   of  Al and Tipper Gore ending after 40 years of marriage.  Since I will be celebrating my 34th wedding anniversary this month, I am amazed that a couple would make this decision after this many years together.  Once the nest has emptied, there is an opportunity to grow closer, explore new interests, and find time for fun adventures.  Perhaps, they have made poor choices and have grown apart, which can happen in any marriage after 10, 20, or 30 years.  We are seldom privy to what takes place behind closed doors.  

I will be praying for the Gore’s marriage.  Also, I pray that they will reconsider and work on receiving wise counsel. It’s never too late to make changes, never too late to start again, and never too late to come together with reconciliation and healing.  Afterall, there is the legacy of their family to consider. 

I, take you, to be my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

The words in the paragraph above are spoken once, and perhaps repeated at a twenty-fifth anniversary.  Promises are best remembered when spoken every day.  However, through the pain and hurt that can occur in marriage, the lenses of the eye become blurry to where one no longer sees a spouse as the love of their life, but as the enemy.   Old wounds resurface, tensions and arguments start to boil over with anger, battle lines are drawn, and weapons are unleashed in order to strike back.  The more pain that can be inflicted the better.  After all, the ultimate strategy of war is to wound the enemy, not to love and cherish them.

However, there is another way to win the war and maintain our promises - Jesus lays out the plan. 

Luke 6:27-28 (NIV), “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you”. 

He meant everyone in our lives, including the people who live inside the walls of our home.  Jesus uses challenging words of engagement in Luke that requires implementation.

• love your enemies
• do good to those who hate you.
• speak well of
• pray for, intercede for

Jesus did not come to make us comfortable Christians; he came to make us radically courageous.  He pushes us to do things that are fundamentally different than what the world teaches.  Kindness and love toward an enemy are unheard of. 

In marriage, there is no battle worth winning.  Surrender to a loving and giving God by both partners is required.  There are times when you will be the one that God asks to raise the white flag.  And when that happens, it doesn’t mean the battle gets set aside to reenact another day.  It means the battle is over, never to happen again… to be forgiven, the blood washed away, and the wounds healed. 

Take the time to prominently display your marriage vows where you will see them everyday. They will provide a great reminder that you do not live with an enemy, but the love of your life.

Whenever I am in a public place, I like to watch how couples interact.  I watch for genuine affection,  attentiveness, conversation, touch, and respect.  There is a lot that can be learned about a relationship through observation.  One can quickly assess if a couple has had a good day together, a fair day,  a horrible day, or if there has been a  pattern of destruction for quite some time.

I’m sure their story did not start out this way.  That first attraction and spark, the smile that melted the heart or made it leap with joy, the long nightly phone calls, and the moments counted until you could see each other again.  There was the day you became engaged and excitedly told everyone how happy you were.  Finally, the wedding day came and all the blessings and wonder of the day and the hope for the future, and the promises that would be kept for a lifetime.  Sweet promises.

The happiness factor lasts for awhile, and you still hang on to every word that your spouse needs to express.   At some point in the journey of marriage, there may be an unexpected surprise when the light switch turns from “on” to “off”.   The light has faded into darkness.

The story has not ended, yet.  There is an opportunity to search for the candles and matches and find that one little flicker.  It’s faintly there… the love has not faded.  If you hold your breath, you can feel it inside.  A gentle loving hand gently squeezing the heart, trying to keep it alive.

This was my story.

There was a time when I believed the light had gone out.   However, there was a new love story that was about to begin.  The story of Christ’s love for me and his persistent gentle squeezes that kept my heart beating.  He wouldn’t let it fade into nothingness.  And out of what I thought was a lifeless dark place, he kept the light on ever so slightly.  That little tiny sliver of light is what kept me from ending my love story.

It is a lie that the Evil One feeds us that our love story has died.  He tries to cover that small sliver of light with his darkness.  However, I am proof that one little flicker can change into a love that has lasted for over thirty years.  And to think… I once thought it had died. 

My love story continues.

This has been a  soul-searching week that is only half over.  I have found that through the practice of learning and self-reflection that is part of the college program I am enrolled in — I have lived a very sheltered life when it comes to the depravity of the human soul.   Yesterday I observed the proceedings in a criminal courtroom.  I have been to traffic court and I’ve served on jury duty, but I have never been this up close and personal to the ways in which the mind and soul can be so tormented.

I came home, opened my bible for a few moments of refreshment, and this is the verse that leapt off the pages before me.

Matthew 5:21-22 (MSG)

“You’re familiar with the command to the ancients, ‘Do not murder.’ I’m telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder. Carelessly call a brother ‘idiot!’ and you just might find yourself hauled into court. Thoughtlessly yell ’stupid!’ at a sister and you are on the brink of hellfire. The simple moral fact is that words kill.”

We may believe that murder is the death of another human being by our own hands, or the hands of another.  The person murdered no longer takes in a breath and walks the face of this earth.  However, based on what I read in Matthew yesterday, it doesn’t appear that God sees this as the only description for murder.

This got me thinking…

My husband is my brother, and I am his sister. 

I am perfectly capable of stabbing with the sharpest dagger… my tongue.

You may believe you are incapable of murder.  I challenge you to do a reassessment.

The other evening, when I finally had some down time from the onslaught of typing papers and preparing a verbal presentation for my courses at school, I vegetated to the couch to catch up on a few programs I had TIVO’d.  Fast forwarding through the commercials (my favorite thing to do), I noticed that Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still on TV.  This brought to mind the phone-a -friend lifeline concept the show has used.   I’ve always wondered what time of the day the program was taped, and if a friend was called at three o’clock in the morning, would they answer the phone?    Maybe I’m a bit unusual in may way of thinking, but allow me a stretch with this concept.

Over the past eight weeks, I’ve been humbled by the friends my husband and I have gathered into our lives.  Friends have called us for prayer and encouragement, stopped by our home to drop off meals, and offered to clean our home while I have recuperated from surgery.  Their love has touched my heart immeasurably.  They have loved us well.

Unfortunately, there was a period in our marriage where we did surface level relationships.   We separated ourselves from deeper intimacy with friends because the glaring pain in our marriage would have been obvious.  Avoidance and isolation were the mode of operation, and we continued to walk this path until we were on the edge of a pit looking down into a hole of despair and could not see our way out.

What pulled us out of despair?  We called a Christian friend and took the first step toward openness, honesty, and wisdom.  That’s what God asks us to do  - seek wisdom when our vision is clouded, and we’re in need of a correct answer. 

Proverbs 4:7

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

I am grateful for the love and wisdom of Christian friends (lifelines) God has brought into my marriage.  Without them, I would not be committed to a marriage that is worth more than a million dollars to me.

Praying you find lifelines that will provide you with Godly answers.

A young pastor at my church recently wrote an amazing post on his blog about the journey he has witnessed with his grandparents, and their recovery from an accident.  His words are an excellent reminder of how to love your spouse even when you think no one is watching.  The legacy of love we will leave behind is something to contemplate.

I’ll prepare you now - grab your kleenex box.

Check it out at Junk Drawer Spirituality.

Dear Blog Friends,

I have been away from the computer for several weeks as I recuperate from surgery.  My typing skills and endurance are limited, but my sweet husband thought he would write a note about our experiences together over the past three weeks.

Here’s his side of the story -

On the drive home, we reviewed the surgeon’s prognosis: 

Post-surgery, we could expect limited use of the arm and shoulder, lots of downtime, five-months of physical therapy and heaps of ice and pain meds.

Sheri had torn a tendon and needed rotator cuff surgery. I was getting educated on the complexity of shoulder injuries - the recovery would be tough and she’d need my help.

There was no doubt, no hesitation: I was up to the task. But the severity of the situation didn’t sink in until Sheri stated these five words: “You will need to cook”.

Was I dreaming? Maybe I dosed off for a second, you know, one of those out-of-body experiences. Had I momentarily passed to an alternate universe?

 ”Sorry, what did you say honey?”

 ”I won’t be able to cook. Handling food, lifting and working around the stove- Can’t do it. You will need to cook.”

Up to this point, my contribution to meal preparation has always been dialing for carryout. Chinese? Thai? Mexican? Sushi? Pizza? Not a problem!

Sheri and I are advocates of the “serving” value in marriage. Authentic servanthood means, without expecting something in return, tirelessly watching for ways you can love, support, praise, appreciate, protect and please your spouse - and then take action.

That’s not always easy. Serving opportunities often come at inconvenient times and usually when you’re not in serving mode. You need to be in a my-spouse-is-number-one mindset.  Your spouse comes first; you come second. Serving tangibly expresses your love to each other and makes your marriage stronger.

I love serving Sheri. But as we “mutually serve” each other, we find ourselves fitting into specific roles and tasks. Such as:

I wash the car; Sheri cooks.
I blow the snow off the driveway; Sheri cooks.
I wash the floor; Sheri cooks.
I make coffee; Sheri cooks.
I fix Sheri’s computer; Sheri cooks.
I wash the cat; Sheri cooks.

Cooking is not my spiritual gift.

Well, the good news is we did eat, and we ate quite well. Thanks to our church, an abundance of pre-prepared meals made me look like Wolfgang Puck.  Way to go, church!

My flat iron technique needs work, but I can now add “hair styling” to my list of talents.

I learned how to help Sheri get dressed and un-dressed and even gave her sponge baths. Hey, someone had to do it.

When life throws curves at your marriage, remember:

• Don’t complain.
• Be flexible; get out of your comfort zone.
• So you have more time to serve, free yourself from your “me” activities.
• Be proactive to your spouse’s needs.
• If you need help, surround yourself with your support system - church, small group and family - and let them serve you.
• Do whatever it takes.

Don’t forget to checkout additional articles on marriage at growthtrac.com

When you were making plans to get married, did you take “spouse classes”?

Thousand upon thousands of dollars are invested in educational goals, building and developing a career, and  becoming an expert in a chosen field.  Unfortunately, few of us choose to work equally hard at becoming a student of marriage. Think about it - what if the same effort in studying, reading, listening to lectures, and test taking was required to walk down the aisle and marry the person of your dreams? 

 To become a successful student of marriage, one needs to do the following:

• pay attention
• take responsibility for their actions
• exhibit a willingness to improve
• be observant and respectful
• participate and ask questions
• engage in meaningful conversation
• take the job seriously

Perhaps, a few spouse classes are worth pursuing?

For many husbands and wives, simply thinking about SI (spiritual intimacy) will start beads of sweat trickling down their foreheads.  The next thing you know they’re wiping the palms of their hands on the sides of their jeans, experiencing heart palpitations, tightness in the chest, and gastrointestinal distress.  Oh no, we need to experience this kind of intimacy together to have a better marriage?  

Absolutely!  I want to encourage you to keep giving SI a try in different venues.

One of my favorite ways to enjoy SI with my husband is through music.  I’ve shared before that music is turned on everywhere in our home - even the bathroom.  It’s the reason we were lead to start GrowthtracRadio.com a little over a year ago.  It’s a 24-7 streaming radio station with adult contemporary Christian music that includes marriage programming.  Today, there are over 10,000 streams a month.

I’ve discovered one of the good gifts we receive is the opportunity to listen to and review new CD’s that will be released before they are available for sale to the public.  I have two recent favorites I would like to recommend.

Two weeks ago, my husband and I were on our way to church in a strange mood that bordered on somberness and excitement.  We had some dear friends coming to tell their story of hope, faith, questions, struggle, and illness.  The wife has been fighting brain cancer for nine years.  It just so happens we popped a new CD into the player by Steven Curtis Chapman called Beauty Will Rise.  From the first song to the last we rode a roller coaster of emotions as SCC pours out the anguish, the questions, and the trust he has in God after the death of his daughter, Maria.  I wish I had an unlimited bank account, as I would purchase this CD for all my family and friends.  It’s that good.  It will be released November 3rd.

There is a second amazing CD by Phil Wickham that will be released November 17th called Heaven & Earth.  This album captures your heart from the opening song called Eden to the last song.  I think I hit replay five times on Eden because it depicts the wonder of living in community with God every moment of the day.  We listened to this album continually for an entire Sunday.

Want to connect spiritually with your spouse without breaking a sweat?

Try a little music.

I experienced a huge dose of reality after returning from our honeymoon and immersing ourselves into the daily routines of married life.

I discovered my husband is weird. 

He did not like the brussel sprouts and broccoli I prepared for dinner, especially combined together.  My family loves this combination of vegetables covered in buttered bread crumbs and spices.  

Weird Man

As he cleaned up the dinner dishes, he threw the scraps in the garbage rather than the garbage disposal.

Weird Again

When I went into the bathroom to prepare for bed that night, there were wet towels on the floor and a hard crusty open tube of toothpaste sitting on the counter. 

Weird Once More

When we climbed into bed for the evening to snuggle - he passed gas and threw the covers over my head. 

Amazingly Weird

At the end of the week, we had to sit down for the first time together and pay bills.  His desire was to pay them all at once so they were taken care of for the month.  My desire was to break them up over the course of the month and put reminders on the calendar for the due dates of the remaining bills.

Double Weird

It doesn’t take long after the honeymoon to discover that your spouse does things quite differently than you do.

You’re Normal - They’re Not

It now becomes a mission in life to point out all the little flaws that are growing daily into big ones, so your spouse can correct them and become normal again.

Like You

Over the years, normalness continues to diminish until you believe the person you married resembles an alien monster, and you have to flee for your life to save your sanity.  The strange thing is - their eyes are still the same, their hair, their smile, and the person on the inside. 

Who’s weird now?