Next week I am traveling to North Carolina for a family reunion.  I believe it will be a boat load of fun to caravan with our two daughters, their husbands, and four grandchildren for 12 hours and 750 miles.   My husband says I am delusional. 

I’m not delusional - I’m optimistic. I expect the long road trip to be filled with multiple potty stops, food stops, and emergency stops for disturbed tummies from car sickness after winding through the mountains.    What should be a twelve hour drive is likely to turn into fourteen, and I have a feeling we’ll dump the boat load of fun before we arrive in North Carolina. I plan to enjoy each moment God provides for memories, laughter, and time with my husband, daughters and little munchkins.

My extended family gets along pretty well.   However, there are moments when family dynamics leave me with the feeling of drowning and coming up to the water’s surface to suck in big gasps of air. My husband lovingly reminds me, “There is no such thing as a Norman Rockwell family no matter how much you pray for it.”  I have to agree.  Add in the cultural differences of northern and southern living habits, and things become tense and rather humorous.

My North Carolinian family thinks the extended Yankee family members speak funny by talking through their noses, as though they’re from England and conversing with the queen.  I disagree about the speaking funny part since one never hears the words ‘ya’all’ and ‘come yonder’ in the northern United States.  They have to deal with their vocabulary insecurities.  They also feel Yankees spew vulgarities and drive BMWs.  I’ve never owned a BMW in my life and vulgarities are not part of my family’s vocabulary. 

My brother and sister were born and raised in Chicago, which I believe legally makes them Yankees too.   Maybe it has something to do with living in North Carolina for thirty years.  The northern side of the family feels the southern side is still fighting the Civil War and eggs them on by saying, “Bless your heart,” twenty times a day.  I know the true meaning of this southern blessing - it means, ‘Wow, that was incredibly stupid.’

I spoke to my sister yesterday to prepare her for the immediate change in lifestyle she will be thrust into when my four young grandchildren descend on her home.  We are okay with hotel rooms, but she’s crazy enough to insist we stay at her place.  It’s that sweet southern hospitality. She’ll change her mind after the first day when the decibel levels reach a high pitched tone she has never experienced before.  There will be finger prints up and down her hallway and more spilt milk, juice, and cereal than any single mop or vacuum can handle.  We offered to pay for a cleaning crew once my side of the family leaves.

I shared that there are moments of great joy and laughter with little ones running circles around your ankles, and moments of shear panic where she will suck in her breath, not expecting to exhale again.  She’s already thinking of multiple planned activities to keep everyone busy and happy.  I told her that was great, but by 1 o’clock in the afternoon, nap time is a blessed event and something to fit into the planned activity schedule every day.

The Sunday Chicago Tribune Magazine had an article on family travel two weeks ago by Desiree Chen that made me chuckle.  It provided wonderful advice on communication being the key to a great time.  I’m sending several copies out to the family.   Here’s a portion of the advice provided in the article -

COLLABORATE

At the planning state, enlist the energy and support of the others who will be going.  “Take leadership in activating conversations and pooling information, but it should be collaborative, to avoid conflicts later,   says Linda Rubinowitz, a family therapist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.  By being inclusive, “people can’t come back and say, ‘Look at this schedule - she’s got us going from 8 in the morning until 8 at night, and I never wanted to do any of that anyway.’

DON’T OVERDO THE “TOGETHER TIME”

“If everyone agrees that they’re getting together because they want to see each other, it’s important to have a least one thing that calls everybody together - maybe just at the beginning and, depending how long the trip is, something in the middle or at the end.  So as least there’s a touching base with the entire group a couple of times,” Rubinowitz says.

Joshua Herrington, also from the Family Institute at Northwestern University, adds:  “My take is, plan no more than one group activity a day.  Just one thing.  Otherwise the logistics get insane.  Say there’ll be one trip to one museum, and you’re either in or you’re out, and it’s fine either way.”

BRACE YOURSELF

Whenever people in a family come together, they activate each other’s emotional triggers.  Try to anticipate those situations and plan your response.  “If you know your mom is going to treat you like you’re 12 again, you have to expect that.”  Hetherington says, “If you want to challenge yourself, try to figure out a response - maybe think about it from her point of view and try to understand it.  This tends to be easier to do once you have kids.”

DON’T BE A CONTROL FREAK

“If you’re expecting to please everybody, you’re inevitably going to be disappointed,” Hetherington says.  “If two members in your family never got along, don’t expect them to this time - and you don’t necessarily have to do anything about it.  It’s one thing to coordinate a big get-together; it’s another to think you can control your family’s dynamics.  You could try it but you’d fail.”

TOUCHY SUBJECTS

Some people know that if you get them in the same room, they won’t do well to talk about, say, politics.  They might want to agree beforehand that they won’t get into it on this trip.  Rubinowitz says, “Or if they decide they will get into it, that they’ll agree to go off by themselves, take it outside, so there isn’t an overflow effect.  After all, some families thrive on conflict.

PREPARE FOR LITTLE DISAPPOINTMENTS

“People inevitably will go to some big family reunion thinking they’ll connect with all their favorite relatives and come away with a warm glow.  And that’s almost never the case,” says Hetherington.  The challenge is how to deal with the disappointments and get over them.  “When things don’t work out, sometimes the real measure of growth for people is how they handle it so it has the best outcome it can,” Rubinowitz says.

ADDRESS SUCCESS

Before you go, Rubinowitz suggests, ask yourself a couple of questions: What will make this experience a success for me?  Whom do I want to be sure to talk to?  Spend time with?  What would I need to do to make it a success?

I’ll let you know the outcome of our cross country travels and family reunion when I get back.  Have a wonderful 4th of July with your family.