A new study confirms what married couples have suspected for years — children can add problems and stress to a marriage.

An 8-year study of 218 couples detailed in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that 90 of the couples experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction once the first child was born.

“Couples who do not have children also show diminished marital quality over time,” says Scott Stanley, research professor of psychology at University of Denver. “However, having a baby accelerates the deterioration, especially seen during periods of adjustment right after the birth of a child.”

The paper, authored by Brian Doss, assistant professor of psychology at Texas A&M along with the team of researchers from the University of Denver, also concluded that couples who lived together before marriage experienced more problems after birth than those who lived separately before marriage.

However, some couples said their relationships were stronger post-birth. Those who had been married longer, or who had higher incomes, reported fewer marital problems after having a baby than those with lower incomes or who had been married for a shorter period of time.

Researchers caution against concluding that having children damages overall happiness in life.

“There are different types of happiness in life and that while some luster may be off marital happiness for at least a time during this period of life, there is a whole dimension of family happiness and contentment based on the family that couples are building. This type of happiness can be powerful and positive but it has not been the focus of research,” Stanley added.

Hard to believe 8 years was spent on this study.  I think parents are keenly aware of this information within the first weeks of bringing a child home - it doesn’t take 8 years to figure it out.  The consensus was 90 out of 218 couples experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction.  My math comes up with 41.28%, which is pretty close to the dissatisfaction levels in marriage whether children are present or not.

There is a way for a couple to head-off marital blues after the birth of their first child - interview babysitters before the baby is born.  Speak with friends and family members to set expectations and gain understanding if they are willing to assist with babysitting. Take walks together and go out for a cup of coffee, as it will help deflate the stress of a newborn in the home. Plan a romantic evening together or spend a night away at a B & B after the six-week post baby checkup.  It will turn the tide back to being marriage-focused instead of child-focused.  

Being a dedicated parent is extremely important, but being dedicated to your marriage and its continued growth is more important. It’s not selfish to set aside money in your budget for date nights, long weekend getaways, and the occasional trip to the amusement park without children in tow.

A very dear friend continually reminds us to have fun together and be selfish with our couple time.  His wisdom was invaluable to our marriage in the midst of child rearing.