During the Miss USA Pageant this past week, first runner up, Carrie Prejean, was asked by celebrity judge Perez Hilton, “Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same sex-marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit? Why or why not?” 

Her response was:

“We live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And you know what, in my country and in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman,” Miss California said. “No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised. I think that it should be between a man and a woman.”

Contrary to Perez Hilton, she did not express her views with hatred toward those with differing opinions. She did not viciously insult or degrade anyone with personal attacks and name calling. She expressed values that are important to her with eloquence.

Scripture is not meant to be sugarcoated and adjusted to popular cultural belief.   We either believe it is God’s truth, or we don’t.  We can’t pick and choose what we like as Christians, and discard what we don’t.  That forms a faith in our own image - not God’s image.

Romans 12:2 says - Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.  

If you were put on the spot in front of five million people, would you boldly proclaim God’s design for marriage?

Several books have come across my desk in recent weeks that I’ve had a chance to take a peek at.  I love to read, but my face has been buried in textbooks more often than not with my return to school.  I thought I would pass along my thoughts on two books worth picking up and one that’s not worth the money.

Close Calls came out last year by Dave Carder who also wrote Torn Asunder. This is a very honest and relevant book that covers the topic of emotional and physical affairs. The book describes risk factors that contribute to potential pitfalls - family of origin, behavior patterns and stress factors.

The author writes: “There is one universal deficit in marriages that experience adultery - the loss of fun.”

He continues -

In order to have time for yourself, you have to steal it from your children.  Yes, you read that right!  Children are born narcissistic and egocentric, and they will take all the time, all the energy, all the money you have and still not be satisfied.  You can build great family memories with your children all there in one place, but you can only build a personal relationship between the two of you when you are alone with each other.  Having fun together will help prevent the close call of finding fun with someone else.

The second book that I’ve enjoyed is The Husband Project by Kathi Lipp.  The book is rather surprising and takes a different spin than what you might expect.  It is fun, has great tips and ideas, and brings Godly perspective into the picture.  I don’t want to spoil the surprise with this one by giving further detail.  However, the book is worth every penny if you want to rebuild romance with your husband.

The third book is called, I’d Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper - Loving Your Marriage After the Baby Carriage by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Noble.  I barely flipped my way through this one, and decided it’s not worth my time.  I understand this book was featured on Oprah (which I do not watch).  Honesty, it is pure garbage.  It is mean spirited, full of deceptive ideas, perpetuates lying to your spouse and has vulgarity in it. 

Two quotes from the book -

“I will try for ‘forever’, but if it doesn’t work, oh well.” 

“Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not about two people becoming one.”

 Don’t waste your money.

A new study confirms what married couples have suspected for years — children can add problems and stress to a marriage.

An 8-year study of 218 couples detailed in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that 90 of the couples experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction once the first child was born.

“Couples who do not have children also show diminished marital quality over time,” says Scott Stanley, research professor of psychology at University of Denver. “However, having a baby accelerates the deterioration, especially seen during periods of adjustment right after the birth of a child.”

The paper, authored by Brian Doss, assistant professor of psychology at Texas A&M along with the team of researchers from the University of Denver, also concluded that couples who lived together before marriage experienced more problems after birth than those who lived separately before marriage.

However, some couples said their relationships were stronger post-birth. Those who had been married longer, or who had higher incomes, reported fewer marital problems after having a baby than those with lower incomes or who had been married for a shorter period of time.

Researchers caution against concluding that having children damages overall happiness in life.

“There are different types of happiness in life and that while some luster may be off marital happiness for at least a time during this period of life, there is a whole dimension of family happiness and contentment based on the family that couples are building. This type of happiness can be powerful and positive but it has not been the focus of research,” Stanley added.

Hard to believe 8 years was spent on this study.  I think parents are keenly aware of this information within the first weeks of bringing a child home - it doesn’t take 8 years to figure it out.  The consensus was 90 out of 218 couples experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction.  My math comes up with 41.28%, which is pretty close to the dissatisfaction levels in marriage whether children are present or not.

There is a way for a couple to head-off marital blues after the birth of their first child - interview babysitters before the baby is born.  Speak with friends and family members to set expectations and gain understanding if they are willing to assist with babysitting. Take walks together and go out for a cup of coffee, as it will help deflate the stress of a newborn in the home. Plan a romantic evening together or spend a night away at a B & B after the six-week post baby checkup.  It will turn the tide back to being marriage-focused instead of child-focused.  

Being a dedicated parent is extremely important, but being dedicated to your marriage and its continued growth is more important. It’s not selfish to set aside money in your budget for date nights, long weekend getaways, and the occasional trip to the amusement park without children in tow.

A very dear friend continually reminds us to have fun together and be selfish with our couple time.  His wisdom was invaluable to our marriage in the midst of child rearing.  

Millions of people will be celebrating Easter around the world this Sunday.  Easter egg hunts will abound. Deviled eggs will follow along with ham, potatoes and green bean casserole.  Children will be looking for their Easter baskets filled with sweet treats and extra special gifts.  New dresses and shoes, ties and shirts get worn to present our best foot forward at church.

Something seems to get lost in the middle of Easter hustle and bustle and preparation for visiting family and friends.

REMEMBRANCE and THANKFULNESS

Take a moment this weekend to remember by reading the Easter story starting with Mark 11:1-11 and Jesus’ triumphant entry, the Last Supper in Mark 14:12-26, and the crucifixion, death and burial of Jesus in Mark 15:21-47.  Finally, rejoice in Jesus’ resurrection in Mark 16.

Remember the sacrifice of the cross and a Savior who died for you.  He loves you more than you know, and longs to be in relationship with you.  Easter is a time of renewal, reflection and thankfulness.  Somehow, bunnies and jellybeans don’t seem adequate.

Wishing you and your family a blessed Easter and time for remembrance.

It’s been a difficult week to sit down at the computer and write anything that would make sense.  The two words that keep replaying themselves in my mind are, “how” and “why”?

This past Monday, my husband and I heard the horrifying news that two little boys we knew (Duncan and Jack Leichtenberg) were killed in a murder-suicide with their father (Michael Connolly).  There was an Amber Alert issued for them in early March when their father did not return them after a weekend visit. 

We have prayed for the past several weeks for the safe return of the boys.  We knew this family. They visited our church and we looked into the eyes of this father, who we felt, loved his boys very much.  My husband spent time with Mike, telling him about Christ, and the love he had for him.  How?  How did he get to a place where he felt he had no other option?   It is a bone-chilling realization to have looked into the eyes of someone, who is capable of something so horrific.

There is a God and a mother who deeply loved the boys. The depravity of this world is something they tried to protect Jack and Duncan from.  The boy’s mother fought with all her might to protect them.  She did not fail them - our legal system did.

We drove three hours to attend the wake for these two little angels.  It was important to let Amy know she and the boys had been covered in prayer, and we were in anguish with her over her loss.  As hard as it was to be there, it was a loving tribute to the lives of the boys, and a mother who loved them deeply.

Why?  Why did this happen?  It is something I will ask God when I see him face-to-face. However, when I really think about it, the answer is not far away.

It only takes one lie, one moment of pride, or one moment of rage for us to be separated from God. If I am completely honest, deep within me, is a very dark place.  It is called sin.  Does God see my sin differently than Michael’s?  I think not.  There is no grading scale for sin.  God sent his son Jesus Christ to reconcile us to that dark place within, and bring His light into our hearts.  We need to invite him in and unlock the door to that place of darkness within.

I have searched my heart this week toward Michael, and I can only find deep sadness for a soul that was so tormented that he knew no other option.  I imagine God grieving for a lost son who only new darkness within.