On January 24th I wrote about my return to college.  I’m proud to announce I made it through my first course. It has been a learning journey beyond my imagination.  Over the past six weeks, I have been leaning on God a day at a time - more than I can remember doing in a very long time.

Truthfully, there were days I was ready to give up out of shear exasperation and long hours pouring over homework.  My husband would give me a pep talk, he would read my papers, make recommendations, and put up with unkind words voiced over my irritation with the changes I needed to make.  I love him for his patience.

One night I returned particularly late from school and found candles lit from the back door all the way to the living room, with music playing, the lights turned down low, and the fireplace glowing with a warm fire.  I was welcomed home by a loving husband who served me with a foot rub.  The stress from a long evening in school was completely erased from my mind. 

There has been change in our relationship due to my class schedule and homework commitment.  However, if I get a foot rub and candles when I come home from school, then change has been a good thing!  Experimenting with new evening adventures instead of “couch time” together is even more fun.  I think my husband misses me when I’m at school.

A favorite quote from my textbook that I have shared with my husband is:

“Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.”  - Herbert Otto

There is something I’ve been observing in conversation with couples about the level of spirituality in their marriage.  It starts with verbal or mental comparisons, and without warning, the individual is in a place of spiritual superiority over their spouse.

Example:
I’m growing more spiritually because…

• I pray
• I read scripture
• I belong to a bible study
• I fast
• I meditate
• I serve in more ministries
• I listen to more praise and worship music
• I attend more church services
  And… the list goes on.

We become the rulekeeper of the spiritual to-do list.  We may not realize it, but this puffs us up with pride.  Pride is so destructive that it ruptures spiritual connection in marriage.  Instead of building the connectedness we desire, we slather layers of guilt on our spouse by making them feel they will never measure up to our spiritual standards.

I’m familiar with this scenario since it happened in my marriage.  I was new to my faith and learning to participate in spiritual disciplines, when my husband was still finding his way in his relationship with God.   Puffing myself up about my spiritual growth did not create spiritual intimacy between us, but pushed him further away and made him feel inadequate.

Maybe it’s time to shred the spiritual to-do list.

The other day a friend expressed deep sadness. She shared with me that Valentine’s Day is the only day her husband remembers to give her a card and flowers - the rest of the year she receives nothing.  I was deeply saddened. It occurred to me this annual event might be the only day they celebrate their love. Furthermore, it struck me this might be true for other couples as well.

I have experienced many stages in my marriage. The first year was pure wedded bliss; everyday was a honeymoon. Then reality set in. I soon discovered it was hard work to keep romance alive, especially after our children arrived. Lack of time for each other seemed to be the biggest obstacle. After all, romance should be automatic and spontaneous, except that isn’t always reality.  As unromantic as it sounds, romance requires planning and a constant, compassionate focus on each other.

This is what works in my marriage:

Scheduling and Intentionality

My husband enters reminders on his Blackberry for important dates, along with an occasional prompt to send flowers. I appreciate that he makes the effort, even though this lacks the spontaneity he may desire. For myself, I have to plan things out weeks and weeks in advance. The anticipation of surprising him is worth every moment of planning.

Words and Touch

Do you tell your spouse you love them everyday? In the midst of your busy schedules, do you kiss each other when you leave the house in the morning? Do you embrace when you come in the door at night? Physical touch and simple, loving words connect us; it reminds us we are important to each other.

Prayer and Intimacy

Reading a daily devotional and spending time in prayer at bedtime brings us closer and initiates discussion. Even though my husband is close to comatose at the end of a busy day, a few minutes connects us to God. This is the deeper and richer intimacy God intends us to share.

Serving

Have you ever thought of making breakfast for each other? If cooking is not your specialty, order out from a local restaurant.  This is something my husband has done for me.  I don’t mind that he isn’t a cook - I appreciate that he made the effort to surprise me. Many Sunday mornings I make him homemade waffles or French toast. The true way to his heart is food - especially chocolate chip cookies!  This is a very simple way of serving him. 

Getaways

I am refreshed the most when we take getaway weekends. When the kids were small, sometimes it was only a night or an afternoon away. Today our getaway goal is several times a year. It is a time to get reacquainted and remember why we fell in love to begin with. It helps us leave all the stress of home behind and focus on each other. Often, we have made major decisions about marriage, ministry, and family during these times away.

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Are you up to the challenge?

Start with Valentine’s Day once a week. Go out for a cup of coffee, to a movie, or for an ice cream cone at Mickie D’s. Eat pizza on a blanket on the bedroom floor with votive candles everywhere. Lock the door (dead bolts are preferred) and tells the kids you can’t be disturbed for an hour unless they are bleeding or the house is on fire.  Many couples are opposed to TV in the bedroom, but cuddling in bed while watching a movie can be lots of fun. It doesn’t have to be an expensive evening. Be creative!

The love the Lord blessed you with should be celebrated more than once a year. Valentine’s Day should be every day.

Ever wonder how a couple that has been through counseling and numerous marriage enrichment seminars, can still be stuck and not moving forward in their relationship? 

They are doing marriage alone.

This was how my marriage looked twenty years ago. Neither one of us, as followers of Jesus Christ, were willing to devote ourselves to a deeper life-giving community through small group and bible study.

John Ortberg in his book Everybody’s Normal Till You Get To Know them says, “We devote massive amounts of time to making money, running errands, and succeeding at our jobs, but we neglect to give our most valuable possession - time - to the experience for which we were created:  community.”

For the first time in 1989, after numerous tense discussions, my husband and I signed up for our first couples small group.  As we reflect back on the two years spent in this group, it was the best marriage decision we ever made. Our group members were willing to “get honest” with us about the verbal venom we spewed at each other.  We did not recognize this behavior pattern in counseling and marriage seminars.  It was life-changing that someone was willing to lovingly confront us about our treatment of each other, and provide accountability toward making changes.

John Ortberg calls it: The Need for Truth-Tellers.  He says, “Every one of us need a few people to tell us the truth about our hearts and souls.  We all have weak spots and blind spots we cannot navigate on our own. We need someone to perform spiritual surgery on us when our hearts get hard and our vision gets dim.    We need Truth-Tellers because our capacity to live in denial is astounding.”

Couples seldom fail in their marriages when they surround themselves with loving community and truth-tellers. Transformation in marriage occurs when a couple is willing to end their isolation.

Today starts the first couple’s small group my husband and I are leading at our new church.  I am excited about being a part of this community, and look forward to building new friendships.  I pray I can build into these marriages in the same way the group members built into my marriage twenty years ago - with loving “truth-telling”.

The Chicago Tribune had a special marriage section this past Sunday that featured Growthtrac Ministries, and the happy face of yours truly and my loving husband, Jim. While there were a few misquotes, overall we are very happy with the outcome of the article.

You can read the full article here along with further information on God’s design for mentoring.  Of course, mentoring is extremely beneficial prior to marriage, but a mentor couple can be a great resource after marriage for the necessary tune-ups we all need from time-to-time.