Spinning Plates
There is a circus act where plates are spinning on sticks, and the clown runs back and forth from one end of the sticks to the other to keep them all spinning. This circus act has many similarities to marriage. We have multiple plates filled with obligations and relationships spinning at one time, and without God’s daily guidance, it can feel overwhelming to keep them all going.
One of my spinning plates is my MIL. She visited with us last week. For some DIL’s this may be worse than eating liver, but we’ve always gotten along well. She has a great sense of humor and is a fabulous grandmother. However, as she is getting older, and living on her own since my FIL passed away four years ago, her feistiness is increasing, her health is decreasing, and my level of concern for her is something I have to hand over to God on a daily basis.
The spinning plates I feel are beginning to wobble are:
- When will the next illness incapacitate her?
- What do we do with her 110-pound Rottweiler she calls her “baby”?
- Is she taking care of herself hygienically?
- Is she eating well enough?
- Is her home clean enough for a surprise Health Department inspection?
- Is she able to drive without causing harm to herself or someone else?
My husband and I drove mom home over the weekend, which is 12-13 hours round trip. When we arrived Friday afternoon and opened the door, her 110-pound baby had been shedding for several weeks and tufts of hair the size of tumbleweeds were floating across the family room floor. I wondered what her housekeeper has been doing. I vacuumed her home for close to an hour and my husband went through the house with several dusting mitts. The refrigerator was practically empty and the freezer was full of frozen dinners with enough sodium to fill The Dead Sea. We headed off to the grocery store, so I could make several meals and freeze them along with fresh fruit and vegetables.
We asked mom if she is getting out during the week for fresh air and a little shopping. No. Her days are spent in bed, or on the couch, watching television from 8am until 8 pm. She says this makes her happy and she doesn’t always have energy to do more.
Saturday evening I asked if she would like a pedicure and manicure, and she responded with a huge “YES”. I sucked in my breath when I saw the length of her toenails. During our last visit, I took her for a manicure and pedicure as a treat for her birthday. At the time, she agreed it would be a good thing to do once a month.
On our drive home, I shared with my husband that I feel our “mom plate” is close to crashing to the floor. It was difficult conversation to have. He knows that he and his brothers have hard decisions to make soon. My husband said something to me that was very revealing. He said, “I like it better when I drive her home by myself. I don’t notice the things you do about her home and her health. When you tell me what you see, I become anxious knowing what is ahead of us.”
Lastly, he said, “Thank you for loving my mother.”
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Great post Sheri. I wish my wife’s relationship with my mother were better. My mother lives with us, and she suffers from an undiagnosed mental illness. Some of her delusions center around and focus on my wife, which makes my wife feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in her own home. This makes it difficult for her to love my mother, which puts me in the middle. I know that my wife comes first, but I’m all that my mother has. Whatever I do, it seems that I end up choosing one side at the expense of the other. Needless to say, this puts a strain on our marriage. Did I say great post? I’m gonna email a copy to my wife. Maybe she’ll subscribe!
Excellent blog topic. My father died 14 years ago; my mil died 6 years ago; up until 2 years ago both survivors were living on their own in the same town as us. My fil cut off the face of his one thumb with the table saw; (he picked on another finger about a month ago) and has been living with us ever since the thumb incident; I get along with him great; he gets on his daughter’s nerves more than he does mine; I know we have some tough decision coming up in the future about what to do, and when he starts forgetting too much and/or wandering off. I love the guy, but I don’t want to see my wife become a servant/slave/chambermaid when he can’t look after himself, but I don’t think she is going to have the fortitude to register him in a home.
Again, great article.