I am always amazed to talk with a couple and have them tell me they have never had an argument. Not even a tiny disagreement. I encourage them to go home and make one up! Get into a good fight, work on negotiating a compromise and stop avoiding conflict. Conflict is good. It means you’re expressing an opinion and feelings. If you don’t agree with your spouse, it is not the end of the world. You have no idea how much fun you are missing out on. Making up is the best part.

The silliest argument I have had with my husband was several years ago on how to clean the toilet. My husband had a scientific methodology where he dumped a small bucket of water into the toilet to lower the water level. With the water level considerably lower, it would clean the entire toilet properly and eliminate the greatest amount of germs. I asked him if he was serious as he prepared to show me the entire process. He was dead serious. My response was, “Since you know the proper methodology so intricately, and will do a much better job than I ever could, I think the toilet cleaning should be part of your household chores.” After several months of cleaning the toilets with his proven methodology, he hired a housekeeper. I really liked the housekeeper.

This may not be your description of an all out rock’em - sock’em argument, but our voices did raise considerably and I know there was steam coming out of my ears, eyes and nose as this disagreement progressed. After 32 years of marriage, we still hit our stride with a few good arguments throughout the year. We have worked hard at discovering what is important to negotiate and what we simply need to let go of. However, we are not perfect, and pride rears its ugly head from time-to-time to create friction in our relationship.

There is something I have discovered about myself. I can make a deliberate decision to try and win an argument, or I can make a decision to love my husband through them. When I want to win at all costs, I will try and talk over him and raise my voice. I will repeat my case multiple times trying to pummel him into surrender until he asks, “Are you done?” I can take a deep breath, wind up for more, or stop, and decide it is no longer important to win - it is more important to love.

When I choose to love him through a disagreement, I have to close my mouth and listen. Did I understand what he was trying to convey? If I repeat back the words I thought I heard, will I be correct or put my foot in my mouth? More often than I want to admit, his response is, “That is not what I said. You misunderstood me.” I have to make another attempt to understand his side of the disagreement.

Ask yourself:
Does the desire to win help my marriage or hurt it?
If I chose loving over winning, how will it change our conversations?