My husband and I went and saw the movie Fireproof  this weekend.  We thoroughly enjoyed it.  Sherwood Pictures has come a long way in the quality of their work since Facing the Giants was released.  There was better character development and dialogue - although, my husband had a few comments about one or two areas of corny dialogue. I enjoyed the balance of humor and seriousness about a very uncomfortable subject - marital breakdown. Marriage relationships were portrayed realistically. 

There was a point in my marriage where I was ready to throw in the towel.  It was over.  I believed divorce was the only way out of our predicament.  I am grateful that God softened my hard heart and created an attitude in me of servanthood and sacrifice.  Marriage could no longer be about me, it had to be about, we.  We, being God, my husband, and myself - working together.

Once our hearts and minds eventually joined together in full surrender to God, things slowly changed in our marriage. We knew divorce was no longer an option if we were going to listen to God’s instruction in scripture.

Are things perfect and rosy all the time?  No.  However, we work at it.  If we are stuck and rehashing an issue over and over again, we seek out help through the perspective of Christian friends or our counselor. 

Tune-ups are necessary in marriage.  There are moments when you find your attitude is acting up and your marriage engine is not idling well.  If intimacy accelerates sluggishly,  words out of your mouth seem to misfire,  and the check engine light has come on, whatever the symptom, seek advice.  Unfortunately, many couples ask around; mostly, advice from other hapless marriage owners who’ve had some similar experience.  That advice is often misdirected, such as: You deserve better. You don’t need to put up with this. Or, Find the happiness you need through somone else.  While the entire time, God  may have been taping you on the shoulder saying: “Tune it up!  I am the great marriage mechanic.  I repair hearts.“

Fireproof is a great movie that provides food for thought.  It was reaffirming to look back and see how far God has brought us in creating a marriage where we have become one.  This is something God desires for every couple.

If your spouse has no desire to see the movie with you, I would encourage you to see it on your own.  And, consider purchasing The Love Dare. 

 It only takes one person willing to do a tune-up.

If you haven’t heard, the movie Fireproof will be released this Friday, September 26th.   I highly encourage you to go see it.

It is the story of a couple on the brink of divorce who is able to turn their marriage around. There is one particular scene where there is an argument. The intensity of it will send chills down your spine.

My husband was invited by Sony Pictures to visit the set during filming.  He took some great pictures and had an opportunity to interview several people involved with the film.

Check it out at: www.growthtrac.com/fireproof

It’s time for a party! The invitation needs to be sent out. However, this is a different kind of party. There is only one guest. His name is Jesus.

In the body of the invitation, the following needs to be completed.

Date: Everyday                        Time: Every Minute of The Day

Place: Wherever I Am              Event: My Life

• Invite Him to be a part of everything you do
• Invite Him to join you on a daily basis - work, home, tasks
• Invite Him into holiday celebrations, birthdays, anniversaries
• Invite Him into your prayer life
• Invite Him into your worries and anxiety
• Invite Him to help you gain control over your emotions
• Invite Him into your sex life
• Invite Him to be at the center of your marriage

For apart from me, you can do nothing - John 15:5 (NLT)

My latest read has been a book by Leslie Vernick called The Emotionally Destructive Relationship - Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It. It was released last year and was sitting on my bookshelf. I’m sorry I did not pick it up sooner.

Leslie is a licensed clinical social worker with a private counseling practice. I love the way she integrates scripture throughout her book that provides perspective for various situations.

Whether you are single, married or divorced there is insight into any relationship you have experienced in your past, or are working through currently. Plus, there are many sections for reflection about personal change.

Step by step, Leslie shows you how to…

• Recognize behaviors that are meant to control, punish, and hurt
• Confront and speak truth when the timing is right
• Determine when to keep trying and when to shift your approach
• Get safe and stay safe
• Continue to be transformed by God as you build an identity in Christ

I would have to say my favorite chapters were 4 and 5 where she writes about Destructive Themes of the Heart: Pride, Anger, Envy, Selfishness, Laziness, Evil, and Fear. I love a statement she makes - genuine change requires a transformed heart.

I look forward to seeing more books from this author.

Last fall through early 2008, my husband and I spent several months away from the marriage ministry we loved and our church home of twenty-two years. We felt it was time to rest and simplify life for a while.

Over the course of several months, we spent our Sundays visiting new churches we have watched spring up in the area we live. We thoroughly enjoyed many of the services and meeting new people and thought,  What if God has something new in store for us?

We spoke with many pastors and prayed that we could coach them in developing marriage ministries in their churches. It would be awe-inspiring to build a church that is putting marriage and family to the forefront, as well as helping singles understand the components of healthy relationships. Unfortunately, many of the new churches we visited were focused on how many new people they could bring in the door. By February 2008, we felt it was time to return to our home church and re-engage with our marriage ministry team.

In March, we received a phone call from a pastor friend who we have known for fifteen years. His desire was to plant a new church in Schaumburg, Illinois. This has been a vision of his for many years, and he asked if we would pray about being a part of this new adventure with him. His dream was to create a church that would give the weekly tithes and offerings away to be leveraged in the community. The staff is missional by raising their annual salary support as well as the operating expenses for the church. This is crazy, how could it work? But, this is crazy enough for God to do something great with it. This young pastor is also very passionate about marriage and family and that definitely perked our interest. He asked us to be open to attending their first home meeting, which we did in April.

Over the course of the next several weeks, I prayed about this and found myself neutral. I could not make a commitment either way… until late June. This is when I heard a message one Sunday that turned me upside down. The message was called, Faith With Guts.

I immediately walked away from this message with a stirring in my gut. I was challenged by the fact that I could balance God and something else (fear) on a scale and possibly let fear win. Could I step out in faith? With guts? No sooner did we get in the car to head home, and I said to my husband, “What do we have to lose in helping this new church for six months to a year? Nothing. What might God do through us?”

Since June, we have committed our time to Waterfront Community Church in Schaumburg, Illinois that will have its first service on October 19, 2008. Check it out at www.waterfrontcc.com

The mission of this new church is Loving God and People Well. The staff and the initial team are teaching us how to live this out in our lives more and more each day. There are no regrets. We are jumping out of our skin waiting to see what God does in a community of people who are willing to have faith with guts.

Two weeks ago my husband spent five days taking a motorcycle course. Motorcycling is something we have talked about doing for quite some time. It would be a new adventure for us as we emptied the nest this year (yes, we are celebrating) and decided it was important to find new ways to enjoy shared experiences. Some experiences may be more dangerous than others.

After each lesson, my husband would walk in the door smiling from ear-to-ear. He eagerly shared the day’s events and all elements of what he had learned. He was even willing to provide the details of his damaged pride each time he dumped the bike. As his confidence grew in handling a brand new 1200 Harley Sportster, I noticed he had a little more swagger in his step. He was walking particularly funny one Saturday afternoon when he arrived at home, and shared that his thighs and butt were numb from the vibration of the bike after being on it all day.  A smile crept across my face as I tried to hold back full blown laughter.

The last day of class, the instructor offered to take the group on a long ride that had them up to 55-60 mph. Jim described it as pretty spectacular with the wind racing through his hair and the open road before him seeing and smelling the hills of Northern Illinois. When he came home that night, all he wanted to do was grab me and kiss me. There is something about a man and speed. Vroom…Vroom.

Within a few days of finishing the motorcycle course, he was at the Department of Motor Vehicles for his license, and he passed. We began looking at motorcycles a few days later. Jim is concerned about how I will feel on the back of the bike with him, and if it will be comfortable enough to handle a few hours worth of riding. He’s even willing to purchase a gel seat for me!

We are saving up for a bike and gear. Hopefully, sometime soon, I can share our adventures with you. The empty nest season of our life is going to be interesting.

We make choices every day: to sin and walk away from God or walk toward him. We make the same choices in our marriage - to walk toward our spouse or walk away from them. The consequences of our choices will build a stronger marriage or slowly chip away at its foundation. We can point a finger at our spouse or take an honest look in the mirror and confront the choices we make.

I have to consider my obedience to God in choosing my husband. Did I pick a man who was in love with the Lord? No. Did he hunger for the Lord in every aspect of his life? No. Was he fully devoted to him with daily prayer and accountability with other men? No.  So, in my husband choice, I was not fully obedient to God. And, with that willful choice, I’ve walked through painful consequences in my marriage.  Many of these choices had to do with my personal distance from God too.

We are both on the same page spiritually now.   Great healing has taken place in our marriage. It’s been a very long and hard road. God has been gracious and faithful in helping us build the marriage he wanted for us from the beginning - but, we had to be willing participants.

I am reminded of the potter’s hand in Isaiah 64:8 -

And yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay,
and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand.

God has me on the potter’s wheel trying to shape me and mold me, so he can use me. I start to get a little wobbly with sin through my words, actions and selfishness toward my husband. Then I start to tilt over. All of a sudden, to catch me from completely falling off the wheel - whomp - the hand of his love comes down and starts to reshape me into a beautiful vessel for his use again. I imagine him saying, “Not your way my dear child, let me show you my way.”

It took many years for me to discover that my choices were not going to build a healthy marriage. I was the one who needed to change, not my husband.

I am always amazed to talk with a couple and have them tell me they have never had an argument. Not even a tiny disagreement. I encourage them to go home and make one up! Get into a good fight, work on negotiating a compromise and stop avoiding conflict. Conflict is good. It means you’re expressing an opinion and feelings. If you don’t agree with your spouse, it is not the end of the world. You have no idea how much fun you are missing out on. Making up is the best part.

The silliest argument I have had with my husband was several years ago on how to clean the toilet. My husband had a scientific methodology where he dumped a small bucket of water into the toilet to lower the water level. With the water level considerably lower, it would clean the entire toilet properly and eliminate the greatest amount of germs. I asked him if he was serious as he prepared to show me the entire process. He was dead serious. My response was, “Since you know the proper methodology so intricately, and will do a much better job than I ever could, I think the toilet cleaning should be part of your household chores.” After several months of cleaning the toilets with his proven methodology, he hired a housekeeper. I really liked the housekeeper.

This may not be your description of an all out rock’em - sock’em argument, but our voices did raise considerably and I know there was steam coming out of my ears, eyes and nose as this disagreement progressed. After 32 years of marriage, we still hit our stride with a few good arguments throughout the year. We have worked hard at discovering what is important to negotiate and what we simply need to let go of. However, we are not perfect, and pride rears its ugly head from time-to-time to create friction in our relationship.

There is something I have discovered about myself. I can make a deliberate decision to try and win an argument, or I can make a decision to love my husband through them. When I want to win at all costs, I will try and talk over him and raise my voice. I will repeat my case multiple times trying to pummel him into surrender until he asks, “Are you done?” I can take a deep breath, wind up for more, or stop, and decide it is no longer important to win - it is more important to love.

When I choose to love him through a disagreement, I have to close my mouth and listen. Did I understand what he was trying to convey? If I repeat back the words I thought I heard, will I be correct or put my foot in my mouth? More often than I want to admit, his response is, “That is not what I said. You misunderstood me.” I have to make another attempt to understand his side of the disagreement.

Ask yourself:
Does the desire to win help my marriage or hurt it?
If I chose loving over winning, how will it change our conversations?

I heard a song this past weekend by Casting Crowns from their Altar and The Door Album called Slow Fade. The lyrics have churned through my thoughts the past several days with a sense of deep sadness. I have been compelled to pray for the marriages of many people I know. A small portion of the lyrics are:

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

The words ring very true in the world we live in. There is so much on our daily to-do list that pulls us away from time with God.

God becomes a slow fade.

We find there is little time for quietness with our spouse. Seldom is there time to sit, talk and listen. Time to laugh and remember.

Our love becomes a slow fade.

Loneliness and frustration fills our thoughts - we deserve more. Boundaries are crossed when someone of the opposite sex compliments us. Suddenly, we are filled with a rush of excitement that someone noticed us, and we are intrigued by their attention. What was once black and white, turns to gray.

Our vows become a slow fade.

People do not leave their marriages and their families overnight. The desire, the enticement, the pulling away has been occurring in their hearts for a long time.

It is a slow fade.

I encourage you to keep your heart closely connected to God. Do not let your marriage and your family do a slow fade.

Choices are made.

I am a spoiled woman. 

My husband and I work from home.  This provides a great deal of time to be together.  I’ve been asked, “How do you do it? “  It was a very big adjustment the first month, but it has grown on us.

I actually find that I miss him during the day if he is out on an appointment, and look forward to him coming back in the door safe and sound.    I always try and remember to give him a really good kiss before he leaves and an even longer one when he comes home.  When he returns, I want to hear about his appointments and the interaction he had with people while away from home.  I love the time of reconnection. 

I know many couples do not have the luxury of connecting in the middle of their day like we do.  Have you thought about sending each other loving text messages or e-mails throughout the day?  What about little love notes in a briefcase, wallet or purse where it will be noticed?    I love little post-it notes on the bathroom mirror or left on my desk. It lets me know I am in his thoughts.

The first five minutes after you walk in the door at night sets the tone for the rest of the evening.  Greet each other with an, I missed you, I love you, and a great big hug and kiss - it deflates the tension of the day.   Five minutes talking and listening…connects the heart.