From time-to-time, in every marriage, there are periods where inspiration to connect, have fun, and try new things has vanished.  The energy to move forward simply isn’t there, and a lackluster attitude permeates the heart of the marriage.   Everyday activities and weekend plans are vanilla flavored instead of chocolate inspired with bits of toffee or peanut butter and fudge swirls. 

So how does a marriage move from uninspired to inspired?

• Change one thing in your daily marriage routine
• Take the time to talk about being stuck without placing blame on your spouse
• Sit down together and make a list of 10 things each of you would like to do for fun

If you’re drawing a blank and require further inspiration, here are a few suggestions:

• Take a daily walk together
• Check in with each other no less than 4 times a day through a phone call, email, or text message
• Purchase or build a firepot for the backyard
• Take a class together – foreign language, cooking, art, or a do-it-yourself at Home Depot
• Visit art fairs, flea markets, auctions, farmer’s markets, motorcycle and drag car races, and perhaps a baseball or basketball game.  Remember, this week she picks the adventure and next week he picks the adventure. 
• Spending a evening at your local bookstore sharing the stories/articles you are reading
• Pick out a new recipe with an international flair and prepare a meal together
• Go to an outdoor concert and pack a picnic with a number of favorite goodies
• Rent dance videos and take dance classes at home.  Or better yet, take dance classes outside the home.
• Volunteer together
• Pray together – ask God for inspiration

Money issues will be a source of arguments in almost every marriage.  Money is often what we value for security, it’s what we survive on, and it has many emotional responses behind it.  There was a great article in the Chicago Tribune on June 12, 2010 that you can read here.   While I am not a proponent of prenup agreements, the rest of the article offers some solid advice.

The airwaves and internet have been heating up with the recent announcement regarding the marriage   of  Al and Tipper Gore ending after 40 years of marriage.  Since I will be celebrating my 34th wedding anniversary this month, I am amazed that a couple would make this decision after this many years together.  Once the nest has emptied, there is an opportunity to grow closer, explore new interests, and find time for fun adventures.  Perhaps, they have made poor choices and have grown apart, which can happen in any marriage after 10, 20, or 30 years.  We are seldom privy to what takes place behind closed doors.  

I will be praying for the Gore’s marriage.  Also, I pray that they will reconsider and work on receiving wise counsel. It’s never too late to make changes, never too late to start again, and never too late to come together with reconciliation and healing.  Afterall, there is the legacy of their family to consider. 

I, take you, to be my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

The words in the paragraph above are spoken once, and perhaps repeated at a twenty-fifth anniversary.  Promises are best remembered when spoken every day.  However, through the pain and hurt that can occur in marriage, the lenses of the eye become blurry to where one no longer sees a spouse as the love of their life, but as the enemy.   Old wounds resurface, tensions and arguments start to boil over with anger, battle lines are drawn, and weapons are unleashed in order to strike back.  The more pain that can be inflicted the better.  After all, the ultimate strategy of war is to wound the enemy, not to love and cherish them.

However, there is another way to win the war and maintain our promises - Jesus lays out the plan. 

Luke 6:27-28 (NIV), “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you”. 

He meant everyone in our lives, including the people who live inside the walls of our home.  Jesus uses challenging words of engagement in Luke that requires implementation.

• love your enemies
• do good to those who hate you.
• speak well of
• pray for, intercede for

Jesus did not come to make us comfortable Christians; he came to make us radically courageous.  He pushes us to do things that are fundamentally different than what the world teaches.  Kindness and love toward an enemy are unheard of. 

In marriage, there is no battle worth winning.  Surrender to a loving and giving God by both partners is required.  There are times when you will be the one that God asks to raise the white flag.  And when that happens, it doesn’t mean the battle gets set aside to reenact another day.  It means the battle is over, never to happen again… to be forgiven, the blood washed away, and the wounds healed. 

Take the time to prominently display your marriage vows where you will see them everyday. They will provide a great reminder that you do not live with an enemy, but the love of your life.

Whenever I am in a public place, I like to watch how couples interact.  I watch for genuine affection,  attentiveness, conversation, touch, and respect.  There is a lot that can be learned about a relationship through observation.  One can quickly assess if a couple has had a good day together, a fair day,  a horrible day, or if there has been a  pattern of destruction for quite some time.

I’m sure their story did not start out this way.  That first attraction and spark, the smile that melted the heart or made it leap with joy, the long nightly phone calls, and the moments counted until you could see each other again.  There was the day you became engaged and excitedly told everyone how happy you were.  Finally, the wedding day came and all the blessings and wonder of the day and the hope for the future, and the promises that would be kept for a lifetime.  Sweet promises.

The happiness factor lasts for awhile, and you still hang on to every word that your spouse needs to express.   At some point in the journey of marriage, there may be an unexpected surprise when the light switch turns from “on” to “off”.   The light has faded into darkness.

The story has not ended, yet.  There is an opportunity to search for the candles and matches and find that one little flicker.  It’s faintly there… the love has not faded.  If you hold your breath, you can feel it inside.  A gentle loving hand gently squeezing the heart, trying to keep it alive.

This was my story.

There was a time when I believed the light had gone out.   However, there was a new love story that was about to begin.  The story of Christ’s love for me and his persistent gentle squeezes that kept my heart beating.  He wouldn’t let it fade into nothingness.  And out of what I thought was a lifeless dark place, he kept the light on ever so slightly.  That little tiny sliver of light is what kept me from ending my love story.

It is a lie that the Evil One feeds us that our love story has died.  He tries to cover that small sliver of light with his darkness.  However, I am proof that one little flicker can change into a love that has lasted for over thirty years.  And to think… I once thought it had died. 

My love story continues.

This has been a  soul-searching week that is only half over.  I have found that through the practice of learning and self-reflection that is part of the college program I am enrolled in — I have lived a very sheltered life when it comes to the depravity of the human soul.   Yesterday I observed the proceedings in a criminal courtroom.  I have been to traffic court and I’ve served on jury duty, but I have never been this up close and personal to the ways in which the mind and soul can be so tormented.

I came home, opened my bible for a few moments of refreshment, and this is the verse that leapt off the pages before me.

Matthew 5:21-22 (MSG)

“You’re familiar with the command to the ancients, ‘Do not murder.’ I’m telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder. Carelessly call a brother ‘idiot!’ and you just might find yourself hauled into court. Thoughtlessly yell ’stupid!’ at a sister and you are on the brink of hellfire. The simple moral fact is that words kill.”

We may believe that murder is the death of another human being by our own hands, or the hands of another.  The person murdered no longer takes in a breath and walks the face of this earth.  However, based on what I read in Matthew yesterday, it doesn’t appear that God sees this as the only description for murder.

This got me thinking…

My husband is my brother, and I am his sister. 

I am perfectly capable of stabbing with the sharpest dagger… my tongue.

You may believe you are incapable of murder.  I challenge you to do a reassessment.

The other evening, when I finally had some down time from the onslaught of typing papers and preparing a verbal presentation for my courses at school, I vegetated to the couch to catch up on a few programs I had TIVO’d.  Fast forwarding through the commercials (my favorite thing to do), I noticed that Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still on TV.  This brought to mind the phone-a -friend lifeline concept the show has used.   I’ve always wondered what time of the day the program was taped, and if a friend was called at three o’clock in the morning, would they answer the phone?    Maybe I’m a bit unusual in may way of thinking, but allow me a stretch with this concept.

Over the past eight weeks, I’ve been humbled by the friends my husband and I have gathered into our lives.  Friends have called us for prayer and encouragement, stopped by our home to drop off meals, and offered to clean our home while I have recuperated from surgery.  Their love has touched my heart immeasurably.  They have loved us well.

Unfortunately, there was a period in our marriage where we did surface level relationships.   We separated ourselves from deeper intimacy with friends because the glaring pain in our marriage would have been obvious.  Avoidance and isolation were the mode of operation, and we continued to walk this path until we were on the edge of a pit looking down into a hole of despair and could not see our way out.

What pulled us out of despair?  We called a Christian friend and took the first step toward openness, honesty, and wisdom.  That’s what God asks us to do  - seek wisdom when our vision is clouded, and we’re in need of a correct answer. 

Proverbs 4:7

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

I am grateful for the love and wisdom of Christian friends (lifelines) God has brought into my marriage.  Without them, I would not be committed to a marriage that is worth more than a million dollars to me.

Praying you find lifelines that will provide you with Godly answers.

A young pastor at my church recently wrote an amazing post on his blog about the journey he has witnessed with his grandparents, and their recovery from an accident.  His words are an excellent reminder of how to love your spouse even when you think no one is watching.  The legacy of love we will leave behind is something to contemplate.

I’ll prepare you now - grab your kleenex box.

Check it out at Junk Drawer Spirituality.

Dear Blog Friends,

I have been away from the computer for several weeks as I recuperate from surgery.  My typing skills and endurance are limited, but my sweet husband thought he would write a note about our experiences together over the past three weeks.

Here’s his side of the story -

On the drive home, we reviewed the surgeon’s prognosis: 

Post-surgery, we could expect limited use of the arm and shoulder, lots of downtime, five-months of physical therapy and heaps of ice and pain meds.

Sheri had torn a tendon and needed rotator cuff surgery. I was getting educated on the complexity of shoulder injuries - the recovery would be tough and she’d need my help.

There was no doubt, no hesitation: I was up to the task. But the severity of the situation didn’t sink in until Sheri stated these five words: “You will need to cook”.

Was I dreaming? Maybe I dosed off for a second, you know, one of those out-of-body experiences. Had I momentarily passed to an alternate universe?

 ”Sorry, what did you say honey?”

 ”I won’t be able to cook. Handling food, lifting and working around the stove- Can’t do it. You will need to cook.”

Up to this point, my contribution to meal preparation has always been dialing for carryout. Chinese? Thai? Mexican? Sushi? Pizza? Not a problem!

Sheri and I are advocates of the “serving” value in marriage. Authentic servanthood means, without expecting something in return, tirelessly watching for ways you can love, support, praise, appreciate, protect and please your spouse - and then take action.

That’s not always easy. Serving opportunities often come at inconvenient times and usually when you’re not in serving mode. You need to be in a my-spouse-is-number-one mindset.  Your spouse comes first; you come second. Serving tangibly expresses your love to each other and makes your marriage stronger.

I love serving Sheri. But as we “mutually serve” each other, we find ourselves fitting into specific roles and tasks. Such as:

I wash the car; Sheri cooks.
I blow the snow off the driveway; Sheri cooks.
I wash the floor; Sheri cooks.
I make coffee; Sheri cooks.
I fix Sheri’s computer; Sheri cooks.
I wash the cat; Sheri cooks.

Cooking is not my spiritual gift.

Well, the good news is we did eat, and we ate quite well. Thanks to our church, an abundance of pre-prepared meals made me look like Wolfgang Puck.  Way to go, church!

My flat iron technique needs work, but I can now add “hair styling” to my list of talents.

I learned how to help Sheri get dressed and un-dressed and even gave her sponge baths. Hey, someone had to do it.

When life throws curves at your marriage, remember:

• Don’t complain.
• Be flexible; get out of your comfort zone.
• So you have more time to serve, free yourself from your “me” activities.
• Be proactive to your spouse’s needs.
• If you need help, surround yourself with your support system - church, small group and family - and let them serve you.
• Do whatever it takes.

Don’t forget to checkout additional articles on marriage at growthtrac.com

On an average day, I receive 100-150 spam e-mails about my love life and my need to wear *BLING *  while enjoying romance with my husband.  The other day after deleting another barrage to my spam folder, I turned to my husband and said, “Honey, did you know we need so much help with things in the bedroom?”  He started laughing.  And so began our warped sense of humor journey through saving some of the funnier suggestions for spicing up our love life.  I have taken great care to tastefully edit the material.

According to popular societal thinking -

It’s time to vitaminize your desire to help you prepare for action all night long and become her Drillosaur.  For frequent “getting busy”, she’s to wear nothing but her BLING. This will help you become an artist of love, because your performance in bed defines you.  You are guaranteed to experience love extreme.

Navigating the bedroom for Christian couples is difficult enough without sorting through the distorted messages that are sent via the internet and through mainstream media.  After 900 spam e-mails this week, a very clear picture emerged - it’s all about my needs and what I deserve. God’s love through the act of sacrifice and giving is entirely removed from the bedroom. 

There is an amazing richness and beauty within scripture that provides an incomparable set of instructions on intimacy in the bedroom.  Unfortunately, few couples pick up The Bible and read it together.  God’s design for sex is pure, good, wonderful, and perfect.  He thought sex was so important that he set aside an entire book fully devoted to it called Song of Songs.

This world sure knows how to mess up a beautiful thing.