There was an intriguing article in the New York Times on June 26th that mentions decreasing divorce rates. The perpetual statistic that floats around is, half of all marriages end in divorce.  However, this article shows the rates for men are significantly lower, and suggests it has more to do with getting married later in life.

After mentoring pre-marital couples for almost 12 years, I would agree that those over the age of 25 have an increased potential for success.  There is a greater sense of purpose, confidence, knowledge, careers are established, and many own their own homes.  Also, untying the financial strings from mom and dad makes a substantial difference.

Maybe… just maybe…there is a glimmer of hope for marriage.  Wouldn’t it be amazing if couples were actually proud to be married and encouraged others to work it out and stay married? 

I wonder what changes we would see in society if marriage was an esteemed institution held in high regard?

I think Date Nights ought to be called Life Saver Nights.  They provide moments for fun, laughter, and relaxation - components that infuse oxygen into every marriage.  Fun is the cornerstone that initially moves a relationship toward marriage, and it’s the key element that keeps a marriage alive.

What are you doing to have fun in your marriage?

Growthtrac.com is releasing a Weekly Date Night Channel in coming weeks that will provide couples with great date night ideas and meaningful conversation topics. 

Consider passing out fliers to friends and neighbors to make them aware of the opportunity for great date night ideas and start a babysitting co-op.  It’s an opportunity to build community, and you’ll be providing encouragement for each other’s marriages.  Prepare a monthly calendar so all is fair in watching everyone’s kids, and distribute to the couples who participate.

Date nights do not need to be expensive, especially when families are watching their budgets.  There are fun things to do for $20 or less that allows time for connection and respite from the daily stresses of home.  This is what the Weekly Date Night Channel at Growthtrac.com will provide - low cost, fun ways to spend time together.

This week I was going through old frames I had stashed away.  As I turned a frame over to wipe off the years of dust, I opened the back and discovered a hidden picture of my husband at the age of 17.  He had long thick black hair, large framed glasses that covered half his face, was wearing a brightly colored silk shirt with several top buttons opened to expose whatever chest hair he had, and a lazy sexy smile. This is the year I fell in love with him.

On the radio yesterday, I heard a statistic that said the average woman kisses 79 men before she finds the one she marries.  My first reaction was surprise as I thought back to the number of young men I kissed before I found my true love - it was 3!  As I looked at the picture of my husband at the age of 17, I realized my heart still skips a beat for the 3rd man I ever kissed.  I’m grateful it didn’t take me 79 men to figure this out and that God has given me 33 years of marriage to this man.

Several years ago we were at a restaurant for our anniversary.  The young man seating us asked if we were there for a special occasion. We responded with, “Yes, we’re here for our 27th anniversary!”  The young man said, “Man, that’s longer than when I was born.  I just turned 26.”  My husband and I were ready to crawl under the table. We decided we would respond with, “a long, long time,” in the future.

Our position on sharing the years we have been married has changed as we approach our 33rd wedding anniversary this month.  We now do so with a smile and sense of pride.   One uplifting positive response recently received was, “You don’t look old enough to be married that long.”  The most common reaction is one of shock, rather than a smile and pat on the back for a job well done.  Seldom do we hear, “Congratulations, what’s your secret?”   It’s quite entertaining and a fascinating commentary on how people really feel about marriage.

Proudly announce the number of years you have been married.  It’s an accomplishment and something to be very proud of.  And, if asked, be willing to share the secret to your marital success.  My husband and I have become quite bold by saying, “Jesus Christ is at the center of our marriage.” 

Anticipate a speechless reaction.

Memorial Day weekend we had the chance to drive to Kentucky to visit my MIL.  I enjoy road trips with my husband as it provides concentrated time to talk, dream, listen to music, and plan for the future.  We’ve made several important decisions while traveling through the flat corn fields of Illinois between Chicago and Kentucky.

This trip we watched cars passing by and talked about the colors, the style, and what would be fun to drive.  Dreaming is fun, especially when the vehicles you own are nine and ten years old and will not be replaced any time soon.  My husband’s car needs work, and we’ve been waiting for a part to come in. This meant taking my ten year old Honda CRV that provides an opportunity for the body to feel every bump in the road.  My husband’s car is the preferred mode of transportation for road trips because it has a much smoother ride, sits lower to the ground, and hugs the road.   I have to lovingly remind him that my car doesn’t handle the same way around quick turns, and we’ll experience the sensation of being on two wheels instead of four.  And… a four cylinder vehicle doesn’t like to accelerate to eighty miles an hour without a few moans and groans.

I love this little red car, and I’m not ready for a trade-in.  I taught my daughters how to drive in it and stuffed it with every item my eldest daughter owned as she headed off to college.  My family has packed it to the roof with camping gear and memories.  And, I brought my first grandson home from the hospital in it.

Simplifying life, not seeking out the shiny and new, and a personal desire to be satisfied is something I have been praying for recently.  This road trip helped me talk to my husband about being grateful for all God has provided - the gift of family and the memories we have shared in a little red car, even if road trips are a bit bumpy.

I’m an avid fan of Dr. Les Parrott and his wife.  I picked up a new book by Dr. Parrott this past week called Crazy Good Sex, Putting to Bed the Myths Men Have About Sex.  It was written for men, but has sections for the ‘curious women’ in their lives who won’t be able to pass this title by.

One of the things I love about this book is the honest dialogue about some very tough topics, including pornography and masturbation, and how it affects the marital relationship.  Also, there is great scriptural reference throughout the book that is very though provoking. 

This would be the perfect Father’s Day gift, anniversary gift, or birthday gift for your hubby.

Recently, a friend said to me while speaking about our children, “No one knows what the future holds.”  I have to disagree - to a point; we can look ahead and see potential outcomes.

My husband and I have been leading a couple’s small group this Spring.  Our group has been studying the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.  The book is based on the premise of a husband who provides his wife the love she most desires, and a wife who provides a husband the respect he desperately needs.

What the future holds for your marriage, your children, and your grandchildren, lies squarely in your hands.  As a couple, you have an opportunity to change the direction of your marriage and develop a positive, loving, and growing relationship.  Or, stay in the same patterns of tit-for-tat, resentment, and verbal one-upmanship. 

It’s time to break the cycle.

If a husband speaks loving words to his wife, he shows his children the importance of holding their mother in high esteem.  If a wife speaks with respect to her husband, she shows her children the importance of a husband and father who is the head of the home.  If the cycle of unloving and disrespectful communication continues, the trickle-down effect will be seen in their children’s communication, marriages, and grandchildren’s lives - a glimpse at the future.

When my husband and I married, we were unchurched.  Christ did not become a part of our lives until we had been married twelve years.  We were raising our young children in a home where there was yelling and swearing taking place.  I was teaching our daughters to be disrespectful to their father, and he was teaching them to be unloving toward me.  As we grew into an understanding of what God wanted for us as a couple, we sought out counseling.  We learned about the need for personal change and developed new forms of respectful communication and conflict resolution skills. 

Every time our family gathers, as we did this past Sunday for Mother’s Day, I am grateful for a Christian counselor who took my husband and myself by the hand and lovingly nudged us toward changing our marriage.  I sit back and watch the giving nature of our daughters.  I see them teaching our grandchildren about loving God and loving others.  The grandkids are learning to talk to their mothers lovingly, and speak to their fathers with respect. 

Here is a quote from Love and Respect that spoke volumes to me -

To walk in the truth means to order your life by the Word of God.  If we want our children to walk in the truth, we must live out the same truth before them.  You may be thinking about mistakes you’ve made, the times you haven’t been a good example.  Don’t despair.  God has a unique way of eliminating past mistakes.  Where there has been sin, His grace abounds.  He erases your mistakes and puts more grace in their place. 

We can see what the future holds - a legacy of changed lives.

Similar to many families this year, we find ourselves tightening the budget with focused diligence.  We worry more and more as we watch hard earned savings and retirement funds spin out of the accounts faster than the electric meter during summer.

I found my anxiety level notching up this week as another unexpected expense hit our household to the tune of $1800 to repair drain tiles in our basement.  My husband’s car is eight years old with 140,000 miles on it, and he is off to the repair shop today for what will be another $400 repair.

I am hearing similar stories from families I correspond with around the world.   The financial stress levels marriages are facing are enough to send couples over the edge.  They have never experienced something of this magnitude in their relationship.  It’s the part of marriage called ‘worse’- the word a couple seldom hears when they stand at the altar.

The ‘worse’ part of marriage comes with the magnitude of a twenty foot wave crashing over our heads.  We sputter and kick and scream as we are caught off guard.  This isn’t the comfortable married life we envisioned - there are inevitable scrapes and bruises that come with twenty foot waves.

When we come up for air and spew the water out of our mouths and noses, the next step to be taken is to reach out for the hand of our spouse.  They are not the enemy because of job loss, reduced pay and cut benefits - they are the partner God gave us to keep our heads above water.  We need to grab onto them with all our might for comfort and stability.

It’s impossible to provide comfort and stability to my husband if I fail to read God’s word every day.  The Bible keeps me grounded, reduces my anxiety levels, and provides insight and perspective.  It changes my attitude toward my husband, and I am able to draw closer to him with my heart, mind, and body.

After all, what warms the heart and casts away worries more than physical intimacy?  It seems to wash away the waves of worry. We come away from our times of intimacy with a different clarity and connectedness that brings renewed hope that we can conquer the world with God’s help.  The waves seem a bit smaller.

My favorite verse this week comes from Isaiah 43:2 - “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you.  Even when you walk through fire, and when the waters overwhelm you, I am there.”

During the Miss USA Pageant this past week, first runner up, Carrie Prejean, was asked by celebrity judge Perez Hilton, “Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same sex-marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit? Why or why not?” 

Her response was:

“We live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And you know what, in my country and in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman,” Miss California said. “No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised. I think that it should be between a man and a woman.”

Contrary to Perez Hilton, she did not express her views with hatred toward those with differing opinions. She did not viciously insult or degrade anyone with personal attacks and name calling. She expressed values that are important to her with eloquence.

Scripture is not meant to be sugarcoated and adjusted to popular cultural belief.   We either believe it is God’s truth, or we don’t.  We can’t pick and choose what we like as Christians, and discard what we don’t.  That forms a faith in our own image - not God’s image.

Romans 12:2 says - Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.  

If you were put on the spot in front of five million people, would you boldly proclaim God’s design for marriage?

Several books have come across my desk in recent weeks that I’ve had a chance to take a peek at.  I love to read, but my face has been buried in textbooks more often than not with my return to school.  I thought I would pass along my thoughts on two books worth picking up and one that’s not worth the money.

Close Calls came out last year by Dave Carder who also wrote Torn Asunder. This is a very honest and relevant book that covers the topic of emotional and physical affairs. The book describes risk factors that contribute to potential pitfalls - family of origin, behavior patterns and stress factors.

The author writes: “There is one universal deficit in marriages that experience adultery - the loss of fun.”

He continues -

In order to have time for yourself, you have to steal it from your children.  Yes, you read that right!  Children are born narcissistic and egocentric, and they will take all the time, all the energy, all the money you have and still not be satisfied.  You can build great family memories with your children all there in one place, but you can only build a personal relationship between the two of you when you are alone with each other.  Having fun together will help prevent the close call of finding fun with someone else.

The second book that I’ve enjoyed is The Husband Project by Kathi Lipp.  The book is rather surprising and takes a different spin than what you might expect.  It is fun, has great tips and ideas, and brings Godly perspective into the picture.  I don’t want to spoil the surprise with this one by giving further detail.  However, the book is worth every penny if you want to rebuild romance with your husband.

The third book is called, I’d Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper - Loving Your Marriage After the Baby Carriage by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Noble.  I barely flipped my way through this one, and decided it’s not worth my time.  I understand this book was featured on Oprah (which I do not watch).  Honesty, it is pure garbage.  It is mean spirited, full of deceptive ideas, perpetuates lying to your spouse and has vulgarity in it. 

Two quotes from the book -

“I will try for ‘forever’, but if it doesn’t work, oh well.” 

“Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not about two people becoming one.”

 Don’t waste your money.

A new study confirms what married couples have suspected for years — children can add problems and stress to a marriage.

An 8-year study of 218 couples detailed in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that 90 of the couples experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction once the first child was born.

“Couples who do not have children also show diminished marital quality over time,” says Scott Stanley, research professor of psychology at University of Denver. “However, having a baby accelerates the deterioration, especially seen during periods of adjustment right after the birth of a child.”

The paper, authored by Brian Doss, assistant professor of psychology at Texas A&M along with the team of researchers from the University of Denver, also concluded that couples who lived together before marriage experienced more problems after birth than those who lived separately before marriage.

However, some couples said their relationships were stronger post-birth. Those who had been married longer, or who had higher incomes, reported fewer marital problems after having a baby than those with lower incomes or who had been married for a shorter period of time.

Researchers caution against concluding that having children damages overall happiness in life.

“There are different types of happiness in life and that while some luster may be off marital happiness for at least a time during this period of life, there is a whole dimension of family happiness and contentment based on the family that couples are building. This type of happiness can be powerful and positive but it has not been the focus of research,” Stanley added.

Hard to believe 8 years was spent on this study.  I think parents are keenly aware of this information within the first weeks of bringing a child home - it doesn’t take 8 years to figure it out.  The consensus was 90 out of 218 couples experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction.  My math comes up with 41.28%, which is pretty close to the dissatisfaction levels in marriage whether children are present or not.

There is a way for a couple to head-off marital blues after the birth of their first child - interview babysitters before the baby is born.  Speak with friends and family members to set expectations and gain understanding if they are willing to assist with babysitting. Take walks together and go out for a cup of coffee, as it will help deflate the stress of a newborn in the home. Plan a romantic evening together or spend a night away at a B & B after the six-week post baby checkup.  It will turn the tide back to being marriage-focused instead of child-focused.  

Being a dedicated parent is extremely important, but being dedicated to your marriage and its continued growth is more important. It’s not selfish to set aside money in your budget for date nights, long weekend getaways, and the occasional trip to the amusement park without children in tow.

A very dear friend continually reminds us to have fun together and be selfish with our couple time.  His wisdom was invaluable to our marriage in the midst of child rearing.