Cold, chilly winter days are settling in on Chicago. Sitting in front of a warm fire with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book becomes my outlet for relaxation. I’ve been reading through several books recently - one for sheer enjoyment, one for personal growth, and the other for insight that will be helpful to others.

I enjoy thrillers and suspense type novels; the more twists and turns the better. However, I seldom pick them up due to sexual content or foul language. There is an author I enjoy by the name of Ted Dekker. The first book I read of his was called Thr3e several years ago.

The author is a Christian, and writes with a bit of an edge, so he raises eyebrows in some Christian circles. I mention this, as he may not be everyone’s cup of tea. (Some were upset with me when I said I read The Shack.) He has a new book that came across my desk called Kiss, that will be released in January 2009. Kiss is the story of a woman who has a car accident and loses her memory, then acquires a mysterious mental ability. This one held my interest with action and suspense. The author also has a great way of introducing good and evil in his books, and how God’s light exposes darkness.

On a heavier note, last week I received a copy of Shattered Vows - Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed by Debra Laaser. She and her husband are the founders of Faithful and True Ministries. My husband and I had an opportunity to hear this couple speak at a retreat for our marriage ministry. I loved this book, as she not only shares her personal journey, she writes about other areas of marriage where we step into gray areas of betrayal. This book is geared toward women, but I believe any man would gain great insight too. If you are a man who has been the betrayer, it will provide a glimpse into what your wife might be feeling, and provide a deeper understanding of her healing process. This book is extremely well done.

Lastly, I started 40 Days Living The Jesus Creed by Scott McKnight this week for a new small group my husband and I are involved in. It is a day-by-day study built on loving God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. I am thoroughly enjoying this so far.

You have my permission to do nothing. Sit by a warm fire, relax, and read. It is good for restoring the soul.

I am convinced that marriages are built on fairy tales. If God chose my mate for me, we will be completely in sync with each other.  Little adjustment will be necessary. There will be romantic nights, massages, grapes and champagne, and endless wonderful communication with no conflict.

Proverbs 28:19 tells us,  A hard worker will have plenty of food, but a person who chases fantasies will have his fill of poverty.

This verse speaks about a need for hard work to accomplish things in life; it applies to marriage too. Marriage takes hard work and a plan for success.

Perfection in marriage only existed in the Garden of Eden. We can never get back to that place of complete unison with God and each other. However, we can strive to come as close as we can.

God has given us a guidebook, with a surplus of wisdom, to rebuild our rose garden - it’s called The Bible. However, it is underutilized and seldom opened for reference when our marriage needs guidance.

The following verses provide guidelines for effective communication.
Proverbs 10:14, 10:19, 12:17, 12:18, 12:25, 13:3, 13:14, 14:23, 15:13, 15:28, 16:24, 16:28, 18:13, 26:4-5, and 28:5.

Additional verses for resolving conflict are:
Psalm 37:5, 1 John 3:10, Philippians 4:8, Ephesians 4:32, Philippians 2:3-5
Proverbs 11:14, 15:1, 15:4, 15:31, 16:21, 17:9, 18:2, 18:13, 20:3, and 21:23
James 1:19-20, Ephesians 4:26-27 and 4:29, Romans 12:17-19, and 1 Peter 3:8-9.

Food for thought:
Proverbs 19:21 - There are many plans in a man’s heart, nevertheless the Lord’s counsel - that will stand.

My husband and I were out late this past Friday night and did not get into bed until 1:00am. I am usually an early riser, but after one turns forty, late nights aren’t agreeable to the body any longer. When my kitty started bugging me for food around 7:30am, I moaned and groaned and got up to feed her. However, this was one of those mornings where I simply was not motivated to get moving, and quickly crawled back into a warm bed.

We had nothing planned until Saturday evening. Our entire day was ahead of us without appointments or errands. It wasn’t hard to stay in bed for more sleep and cuddling. We did not get up, take a shower, or have breakfast until noon.

I had a smile across my face Saturday morning, as it brought back memories of lazy mornings when we were first married. We felt like we didn’t have a care in the world, and just time to love each other. I honestly felt like a lazy bum. I didn’t accomplish a thing on my ‘to do’ list Saturday. I had to give myself permission to just ‘be’ with my husband and enjoy his company. It was tremendously refreshing.

When we arrived home Saturday evening from a birthday party, he hugged me and said, “I liked our lazy morning together.”

I had to smile. Maybe there are more lazy mornings around the corner now that the kids have moved out.

Unfortunately, my husband and I have been frontline observers to the implosion of several marriages over the past few years. It is devastating to watch a couple casually toss aside what is intended to be a life-long commitment because they no longer feel they are ‘in love’, ‘compatible”, or ‘have different goals in life’.

I’ve concluded that a fundamental change is required in the standards for obtaining a marriage license. It’s ironic that an individual has to spend four years in college to earn a degree that will build a career for the future, but there is no training or degree required for marriage.

I want to become a Basic Training Marriage Instructor (with my husband) at The National Marriage Training Institute. Establishing a training institute will save our country billions of dollars by strengthening marriages. The institute would be privately funded and run much like a college campus with satellite locations.  Each couple would pay a fee for attendance that would include the cost of a marriage license in their state.

Basic Marriage Training will be required before a couple can obtain a marriage license. Basic Training lasts for nine weeks with no less than three hours of training each week. Nine weeks of hard-core relational, physical, and mental drills will help a couple:

• Build Character
• Understand Honor
• Explore The Meaning of Marital Fidelity
• Learn Discipline
• Prepare For Combat
• Build Emotional and Physical Stability
• Discover Personal Potential As A Mate

A couple will be challenged to the peak of their ability and graduate as true marriage soldiers. They will be able to live and think like marriage warriors. After graduation, three-day training weekends will be required once a year to maintain a level of peak marriage warrior performance. Additional incentives for graduating from The National Marriage Training Institute, and attending annual weekend training, will be an increase in the couple’s standard tax deduction and a card will be issued reducing taxes on the purchase of groceries, clothing, and gas.

Couples choosing to live together, rather than attend Basic Marriage Training, will not receive domestic partner status from the IRS or joint health benefits from an employer, unless they have graduated from The Marriage Training Institute. In addition, standard tax deductions will be dramatically reduced.

If a couple decides their marriage must end, The Marriage Intensives Combat Course (12 weeks) will be required before a judge can sign a divorce decree.

I think I’m onto something.

I wish to encourage my readers to get out and vote tomorrow. We are given a tremendous gift and opportunity in The United States that so many of our brothers and sisters in Christ do not share around the world. It is a freedom to not take for granted.

I have spent more time in prayer over my voting decision than any other time in my life. I have asked God for his guidance and wisdom in helping me come to a place of peace.  I have sought out God’s voice.

There is a recurring theme that has stuck with me through the process and that is - read. I have read numerous passages of scripture. I stopped reading newspapers and magazines. I went to the Internet to read about the candidate’s voting records, their upbringing, the people they associate with, and much more. Finally, I had to ask myself, “How does what I’ve read and heard align with scripture?” This has guided my decision, which I did not make until a few weeks ago.

In a recent interview Growthtrac.com did with Margaret Feinberg on her book, The Sacred Echo, there are three questions she challenges us with in how to recognize the voice of God.

Does what I heard leave me with a sense of peace?
Jesus described himself at the Prince of Peace. So often when he speaks to our heart, he provides a sense of deep centered peace so that we know the thoughts and feelings are from Him. It is a kind of peace that the world cannot provide or compete with.

Is what I heard blanketed with love?
God would never ask us to do anything with a harmful, mean spirit, or criticalness. God is not in the business of tearing down people. He’s in the business of redeeming and restoring mankind.

Does what I heard line up with wise counsel in my life?
All of us need people who are older and wiser to provide guidance to help us figure things out - including our voting decisions.  This wise counsel includes my husband.  We have had several discussions about our prayers and seeking God’s voice through the decision process.

I know the old saying about politics and religion not mixing, but I have asked friends how they have processed their decision for the election this year. They have provided some very wise counsel, which I have shared here.  I pray it will help you before you vote tomorrow.

My husband is a very kind hearted, funny kind of guy, with a very dry sense of humor. There isn’t much that gets under his skin - except when he gets behind the wheel of his car. Then his game is on.

He thoroughly dislikes minivan drivers because there are so many blinds spots in their cars, and they cut you off more than any other vehicle on the road. And, some Humvee drivers are put into the dislike category for the same reason - blind spots. While you can blame it on the manufacturer of the vehicle, operator error has to be considered. I have shared with him that I feel this is a less than loving way of thinking when he lumps all minivan owners and Humvee owners into a poor driver category.

Additional irritants arise when someone is driving 45 in a 55 while talking on their cell phone, or he is an eyewitness to a driver running a red light. My husband is euphoric because our town is installing cameras at many intersections to catch red light runners.

Most of the time, he mumbles under his breath when a certain driver irritates him. Other times, choice words are used. Not swear words - choice words. I have been reminding him that choice words are detrimental to loving the people driving vehicles around us, even though they cannot hear him. One of our goals this year has been to work on loving others more and seeing them through the eyes of Christ. This is the reason for my persistent nudges when we drive together.

After a few near collisions while driving to see his brother this past week, he started praying while in the car.

Here are a few examples:

• God, help me love the DNA-challenged minivan driver in front of me.
• God, tell that person I am supposed to love, they need driving lessons.
• God, the person I am supposed to love that just ran the red light, can you stop their engine?

I think we have more work to do.

P.S. My husband gave me permission to share this story.

During church service yesterday, our pastor admitted that he and his wife have their worst disagreements on the way to and from church. I had to chuckle to myself as this has often been the case with my husband and myself. And, when our daughters were growing up, the disagreements included them too.

There is the hustle and bustle of getting up Sunday mornings, quickly getting breakfast in everyone’s stomach, and rushing out the door to feel my best for friends and God. And, there is a high expectation from my husband that we cannot be late. By quickly completing our usual Sunday morning ritual, I feel I can cleanse my family and myself of our weekly ugliness. We can put on a smile when we walk in the door at church.  Problem is, unkind words have a way of seeping out of mouths while getting ready to leave the house. This provides the backdrop for irritability and steam spewing from everyone’s ears before we reach the church parking lot.

Tension can provide an open door to disconnecting your heart from God on Sunday morning. Unpleasant thoughts are whirling through your mind about your spouse and your children. Then you sit in your seat, try to calm your spirit, and attempt to absorb the service. There have been Sundays where I find this an impossible feat. I still have enough steam left over for the drive home!

There is something you can try with your spouse and/or your children. By bringing several worship CD’s with you to listen to in the car, it helps alleviate the bickering. Crank up the music and have a sing-a-long to certain songs you know, or sit in silence as a form of prayer. Changing the atmosphere in the car, with praise music, will connect you going to and from Sunday service.

Give it a try this coming Sunday. See if it makes a difference.

In my last post called Sideways, I said I would let you know what I discovered about myself after moments of quietness with God.

I have been awake with no alarm the past two days between 5:00 and 5:30am. Funny, how God provides a spirit of restlessness when I need to spend extra time with him. I made myself a cup of Chai tea and sat down at my desk with my bible. Quietness. No one was up or stirring - except my cat, Frankie. She was searching for treats.

As I quietly sat at my desk yesterday morning asking God to turn me right side up again, there were three very clear words that came to my mind: abide, rest, and refresh. I randomly opened by bible, and Proverbs 23:12 was staring me in the face, which says, “Commit yourself to instruction, listen carefully to words of knowledge.”

Across the page from this verse was a devotional by Charles E. Cerling entitled - Mature Honesty, Conviction, Truth. The first two sentences said, ‘Assertiveness means that you let others know your true thoughts feelings, or desires about a situation. This is nothing more than being honest with that person but doing so in a way that is not a threat to them or apologizing for making your desires known.’

I realized I had two things to work on to alleviate being sideways. First, God wants me to rest more, stay with him in quietness, and refresh myself - prayer and bible reading is optional. It’s that simple.

Second, after talking to my husband and my children, they did not feel I had been impatient recently or holding back on sharing my feelings. I decided to speak with a co-worker who confirmed we were sideways in our relationship. However, before making the call, I wrote down my thoughts, so I could speak my true feelings and desires about a situation we are not seeing eye-to-eye on. We still didn’t agree, but I tried to reconcile things to the best of my ability.

Over the past few days, God has shown me, I don’t always have to agree with everyone in my life. My honest thoughts and opinions do matter. It’s okay to let them be known. But, before I share them, the best thing to do is rest, abide, and refresh myself with God by my side.

Ever have one of those days or weeks where you feel you are interacting sideways in all your relationships? I’ve been having that kind of week and it is only Wednesday. I don’t want to even think about what Friday may bring.

When I am operating sideways in my relationship with my husband, children or co-workers, it is a sense in me that not all is well. There is this underlying feeling of restlessness, impatience, and uncertainty that my relationships are not the best they can be.

I have not had a huge blow out argument with anyone this week, but I definitely haven’t seen eye-to-eye with the people in my life. Work has been especially stressful and busy, and I have been teetering on the edge of opening my mouth with unkind words of irritation. I’m grateful God has found a way to help me zipper it up and instill a sense of caution.

This afternoon, I have tried to reflect on what is bothering me and grab moments of asking God to help me figure this out. I’m not sure what it is yet, but I don’t like the feeling. I want to be at peace with the people in my life. I wish to reconcile any ill feelings, tense conversations, and ask forgiveness for any underlying irritability I have verbally or non-verbally shared with someone.

To accomplish this, I’ve decided to set aside as much time as I need early tomorrow morning to sit in quietness and listen. Listen for that nudge or echo in my heart that provides direction from God. I’ll let you know what I learn.

This weekend, my husband and I will be celebrating the first service of a new church we have helped plant.  With any new church plant, there are more things on the task list than there are people. We have been keenly aware and watchful of each other, so we do not fill up our calendars with an overabundance of volunteerism that will cause us to deplete our joy for serving God and his people.

My husband was recently asked to fill a Sunday leadership role, in addition to his current serving responsibilities. We had to take a step back and pray about it. It wasn’t long before we realized he would have to decline this position.

Eleven years ago this Fall we were at a crossroad. For ten years, my husband volunteered his time during the week and on weekends, ushering in our church. What this meant for me is, I sat through services without him by my side. I was beginning to notice spiritual depletion in him, as he was seldom able to give sermons his full attention while volunteering.   The problem of spiritual depletion is a delicate balancing act for many who serve in the church.

Coincidentally, I saw a notice in our church bulletin during this time, searching for couples interested in becoming pre-marriage mentors for the Marriage Ministry that caught my attention. I believe the Holy Spirit was giving my heart a nudge to suggest something to my husband that would allow us to volunteer together. My husband reluctantly agreed to give this marriage-mentoring thing a try. And, as they say, the rest is history. Marriage ministry, and helping couples develop Christ-centered marriages, is our passion in life.

By turning down the leadership role this week, it means it was important to him and to me, that we keep the focus of sitting together to worship God a high priority. We will, of course, be serving and helping in other capacities throughout the church, as we very much wish to do so. However, this balance is important to us, so we can focus on keeping God first in our lives - together.